The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......So with 2000 horses strapped to the back, and only one Turbo at the wheel... he was having trouble keeping them all in line.......

....Using all his muscles, he determinedly headed for Dalby, which was more than 25 nm from his home port, but he wasn't going to be held back by his lack of training, after all he'd trained dogs, horses and even the occasional shearer's cat......

 

Quote: "Ps. wouldn't that drive ya banana's starting all them things!"

 

 

 

 

 

No, only fixing them when they blow up.

 

 

[turboplanner]

NEWS BULLETIN (Courtesy of ABC)

 

"A twin engine plane took off from Hillston Airport but had engine trouble, forcing it to land on the nearby Kidman Highway. Inspector Mark Godley from the Rural Fire Service says no-one was hurt but it came as a surprise.

 

"Apparently there was a vehicle on the road at the time and it has pulled to the side of the road and the plane's now leaking fuel all over the side of the road," he said.

 

"I think arrangements are being made to have the plane lifted by train and moved to a safer location."

 

Interviewed at the scene, the driver of the car said: "I was just driving along the Kidman Highway picking up road kill for the forthcoming Dalby Airshow BBQ, when this aircraft headed straight towards me without any radio cals at all.

 

"I got off the road as far as I could, but after he landed he came up to me and said "qrpgw

 

i= ][y5o ....----...., Fqptge

 

y-o, [q49[t'ww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

"He apologised later and said some ultralight people had given him grief at the Wider Bay Airshow and he was tired, but didn't I know I was supposed to keep to the right?"

 

Quite a few people decided to stay and camp, as they watched the XPT train slowly reversing up Kidman Way.

 

This was going to be interesting.

 

However, the unidentified driver turned out to be our hero ditDash, who went up to the Train Driver and said "Want a hand reversing this this thing Mate? I'm a Drifter Pilot, and now fly a Jabiru, and after flying that, reversing a train around the corners of Kidman Way will be a piece of cake..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo had been lazing in front of a log fire dreaming of an aircraft (not a rivet laden sportsczar) parked on a deserted beach, when his email started to beep in a way which could only mean there was another fight on at Recreational Central.

 

The gist of it was you were doomed if you didn't have a radio, struck blind of you did, and after a post by a car which indicated the world wasn't going to cave in, Turbo absently sent a post to Qerty, who quickly pointed out his name was QWERTY, a family name based on Quentin Winston Erty.

 

He was from Tasmania, which is south of Australia.

 

The name sounded familiar, the Turbo realised that his Grandfather's brother, Ringer, had lived in Tasmania next to Sir Winston Erty,

 

Now some of you class conscious readers will know just where this is going.

 

Ringer never wanted for food - he had a little gateway in Sir Winston's fence, and Sir Winston, being a Tasmanian wasn't all that good at counting, so things went well until one day the rich landholder was riding near his boundary, and saw a line of sheepskins stretched out behind Ringer's house.

 

Since he'd been hiring Ringer as the gamekeeper, even though he was a Mainlander, the solution was quick - he was fired.

 

Ringer didn't see it that way, and stung by the fact that Sir Winston had claimed to be of a distinguished family rather than the top row of keys on a keyboard, he decided on a clever revenge.

 

Jumping in his trusty Jab 17 (shrt fuselage, small wings, big fin, underbelly fuel tank), he flew across to the property of Turbo's grandfather, who in anticipation had been training the Kangaroo dogs to catch foxes live. He'd become hoarse from whistling them off, but finally they managed to get a pair, put them in a box, and Ringer set off across Cook Strait (It was renamed Bass Strait after Cook said he wouldn't be seen dead going to Tasmania).

 

While Sir Winston was entertaining friends, Ringer sneaked across with the box let the pair out in Sir Winston's favourite grouse patch, and that's how foxes were introduced to Tasmania.

 

Even a hundred years later Tasmanians were denying there were any foxes on the Island, but now and again if you'e quick, you'll see one.......

 

 

[ahlocks]

...jump over a lazy dog. :ilmostro:

 

Speaking of lazy dogs McLoch, who should have been fixing the minister for finance and warfare's washing machine yesterday, moseyed on out to the airfield to play with the rivet collection instead. :thumb_up:

 

Hanger door open. Beercan still inside "beauty, she's still there. pre flight done!":bmwrider:

 

Tip a couple of gallons of rat pee into each wing, drag 'er out and kick 'er in the guts. Bang! thump! scream! Engine start. "Gotta love rotaraxes! They start even when it's cold." smirked McLoch

 

Deftly winding between all the parked metros and sauntering along to the holding point, Mcloch got to thinking.

 

Now with all the hullabaloo about getting lost in the training area and seeing as how unsafe radios and transponders make pilots, McLoch sentenced himself to an hour of remedial circuits...with the GPS on...and the radio stuff off.

 

Must have misinterpreted something...

 

Didn't think aerobatics were permitted in the circuit. Yet, the traumahawk, techie and Jab were all doing steep turns and abrupt vertical maneuvers while I was there....:ne_nau:

 

==============

 

The typewriter Tassie should come play in the garden... and help find the El Ratto

 

 

[turboplanner]

....what Lovaks hadn't seen was bikini clad sunbaker near the base turn.........

 

 

[ahlocks]

Cleverly, the Tink :chill out:tried to trick McLoch into admitting that that he actually was looking outside of the airplane at some point. (well, two points if he can be believed..:raise_eyebrow:)

 

"No way Tubz!" protested McLoch,:bmwrider: "I've got one of them GPS thingos and that means I don't have to look outside... according to the Experts.

 

===========

 

Although 'turn left at twin peaks' does have a certain allure to it...

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo responded: "I don't look out either - I'm scared of heights"....

 

"....Where's Querry, they wouildn't have closed Tasmania for the night yet, would they?....

 

 

[ahlocks]

....what Lovaks hadn't seen was bikini clad sunbaker near the base turn.........

Now in giving consideration to this observation from TurboTinker, would it be prudent to seek advice from the experts :patch: :gerg: :boring:as to whether using land marks to indicate when to turn base was a good idea ...

 

...or in this case, it would it be a bum steer?

 

 

[turboplanner]

On the other hand, as they say, you should always be able to recognise your turning points...

 

 

[ahlocks]

SMACK!! The instructor corrected the errant student in his usual subtle manner. :patch:

 

"What the bloody hell are you flying such a big circuit for??" he yelled through the headsets.:DirtDOG: "You told me to turn base at the tip sir...." whined the student.

 

WHACK!! "Turn base at the tits I said".....

 

 

[turboplanner]

It's very obvious from the incautious admissions, and outrageous boasting which takes place on this site, that most people aren't aware that CASA monitors it day by day as a low cost way of picking up infringement trends, CFI standards and valuable evidence of the need to tighten up standards or make strategic visits to certain geographic locations in Queensland, and the unusual compliance with circuit procedure at YSWG2 really struck a chord.

 

THIS REALLY WORKED!

 

So it had already been reported to the Government as a means of lowering administrative costs for printing massive amounts of NOTAMS which nobody read, and continually changing Regulations, which no body followed.

 

Their report suggested that this would also stamp out the practice of straight out downwind landings, which at Wagga had apparently ripped the rudders out of at least two RPT aircraft (Go and have a look)

 

No one would make a straight in approach when he had a four pair alternative.

 

Although the Prime Minister's aircraft had only just arrived home he immediately recognised that this provided an immediate solution to the unemployment problem with teenage girls in country towns, and at this stage he has scheduled a press conference for 10 am.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....there it was again.....a persitent tap, tap, tapping from the south - could it be aliens?......

 

 

[Captain]

....there it was again.....a persitent tap, tap, tapping from the south - could it be aliens?......

.... then more ..... tap .....tap ..... retap.

 

It wasn't an alien. It was a Victorien, the Turbodingle-dangler ........ who was trying to retap the head studs on his Evenruder (because he had forgottoen to undo a couple of them until the cold chisel wove it's magic). "You can have a lot of fun with a 3/8 UNF" he drooled as his hands fondled the tapping tool.

 

"And once I do this, I'll be able to set up in business retapping base studs on Jaby-roos, and any other yourng stud that thinks he needs a reaming ... and then I'm gunna drill and tap the chassis rails of trucks, right through that sign that says that you shouldn't (I hope that CASA or the RTA or my wife aren't monitoring this) .... and confidentially, if you thank that a 3/8 UNF is erotic, you should try a 5/16 UNC .... Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh .....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.... and confidentially, if you thank that a 3/8 UNF is erotic, you should try a 5/16 UNC .... Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh .....................

.....Turbo's eyes watered...then he realised Rat must have detoured on his way back from Geelong. He wondered who that was in the Lexus with his head down - never mind, Turbo still had plenty of ammunition from his visit to Wagga Wagga, although the Rathaus was superbly located next to the Murrumbidgee. Turbo made a note to take the yabby nets up next time - the in-room cooking facilities were excellent, and you didn't have to stretch your waders or carry slopping buckets up the stairs becaise there was a lift. And where else in the world could you shoot ducks from your own balcony as they made their way up river in the early morning mist.

 

While Ratto had been absent, presumably having his gold tooth polished, QWERTY, a flying typewriter from Tasmania (south of Australia, not the other one with two islands and people with tattooed faces) had hatched a plot to take over Australia by using reverse psychology to suggest that radios might become mandatory.

 

There was an immediate gnashing of teeth and a debate so huge, Ian's site almost melted, until Mazda (the Japanese word was Matsuda, but Australians mispronounced it, and the Japanes copied our spelling) defrocked QWERTY, at which time the thread collapsed.

 

However QWERTY has disappeared...or maybe his radio is on the wrong frequency...

 

 

[Captain]

As a little aside ..... El Ratto is bringing 2 of his grandsons (and Mrs Rat) to the MCG on Saturday night to watch the Hawks flog the Pies, and the Rat is looking for tips of how not to catch swine flu, rat sack or any other alien Victorien diseases.

 

Does anyone know the secrets of getting into or out of Toria without catching something fatal?

 

 

[turboplanner]

Eat plenty of pies - that'll clean out any chance of swine flu getting into your system.

 

 

[hihosland]

and of any thing staying in your system

 

 

[turboplanner]

and of any thing staying in your system

 

 

 

 

another friendly message from greening victoria

 

 

[Captain]

I am pleased to report to all readers of the NES, that the TurboColdChisel has been awarded a honorary Doctorate in Outboard Maintenance by the Swingbourne Institute of something or other ..... for, like CASA, they regularly monitor this site and have noticed that the Tubbs has been giving services to Outboard Repair 2 or 3 times per year for the past several years. "It's just a shame he doesn't get them "serviced" by someone that knows what they are doing and who knows how to achieve the difficult task of putting oil into fuel" they added.

 

"He's obviously never going to qualify thru any of our formal courses" said the Dean "So in cases like this, we give an honorary award for "persistance"."

 

"And in Tubb's case he also has an honorary mention for the quantity of his outboard failures and the breadth of those problems ..... which demonstrates that he doesn't only put them back together incorrectly in just one way. He has demonstrated time and again, his dedication to outboard repair and this award will hopefully go some way to offset the fact that Evinrude, Johnson, Mercury, Yamaha, Suzuki, Seagull, Honda and Tohatsu have all added him to their blacklist and will not sell him another new or 2nd hand unit .... (however the good news is that there is a new outboard being developed in North Korea and they don't yet know about Tubb, so he may be OK for another 12 months or so)."

 

On hearing this Tubb tear-ed up and in his acceptance speech said ".....

 

Late News ---- Turbs offered new state of the art outboard test facility in Coober Pedy. "It'll be great" said the Mayor of CP, "As it has been specially designed so that the oil and aluminium that result from his little woopsies can't get back into the Murray like he has been doing regularly down there for many years"

 

"That's not fair" said UIOP "As it will now get into the GAB and we'll ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

On hearing this Tubb tear-ed up and in his acceptance speech said ".....

".....It's just wonderful to be rerwarded for all hat hard work.

 

"I was trained in Tasmania at a time when they didn't have outboards (l992) and it just shows you what a correspondence course can do.

 

"There's no doubt that persistence beats skill any day" Mr Turbo said to the assembled media.

 

"What a about all the wrecked engines?" asked a particularly astute journalist.

 

"you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs" replied a very relaxed Turbo.

 

With the sound advice in their ears they all went away determined to repair their electrical systems, rebuild the Commodore's transmission, fix the leaking hot water system and so on.

 

Turbo, now recognised as an outboard expert, was a bit curious as to why professor El Ratte had mentioned a string of famous outboards (Turbo had one of each (mech will fix easily) in his backyard), but also included a Japanese tractor.

 

Probably smoked in school during the geography lesson thought Turb.

 

He looked at the new Honda hanging off the back of the Signature.

 

"If I change the timing slightly............"

 

 

[Captain]

".....He looked at the new Honda hanging off the back of the Signature.

"If I change the timing slightly............"

HEADLINE DOUBLE BUNGER --- Honda Shares Slump 50% Overnight, Charlie Haines turns over in his grave.

 

"And I can never understand why these guys put so much oil in the sump AND in the leg as well, when it really should be so simple." said Dr Turbo. "Look .............. even those non-doctorated retards at Honda have made the same error. If I drill thru there and join that oilway to the exhaust, from whence (see how a doctorate makes you talk propper?) it can also lube the leg under exhaust pressure and after being pre-heated. That way I save 0.465673 kgs (Doctors always use 6 decimal places{because they can ..... and because they can afford a wider calculator}) and $4.65 in oil costs annually thereby saving the Vironment too. What a bunch of dropkicks".

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Dr Turbo, it has a ring to it doesn't it" he thought "perhaps I'm now ready to ask a question on Recreationalflying.net"

 

With the aid of QWERTY he began to type.

 

"If I wanted to fly a mate's Mustang, can I use Reg 95.3 which says that a PIC may fly any aircraft fitted with a transponder into a GAAP aerodrome?"

 

(I'm learning to fly on a Drifter, and have two solo hours, but I'm very clever)

 

 

[Captain]

"Dr Turbo .....,(I'm learning to fly on a Drifter, and have two solo hours, but I'm very clever)

 

.......... which is the same hours as he gets out of a new outboard.

 

And Dr Dangler does have a ring to it ..................

 

 

[turboplanner]

And Dr Dangler does have a ring to it ..................

 

 

..Dr Dangler munched on one of the sweets he'd managed to nick from the Cherub in the foyer of the Gentlemens' Lodgings at Wagga Wagga............

 

 

[hihosland]

one of those little blue sweets;--- and finding himself not quite so dangly as before hurriedly headed off in the direction of........