The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

7 hours ago, bull said:

.the smell of two strokes, now this really upset .......

.... those who are prone to stroke it, of which there are quite a few in Wreck Flying, present company excepted of course.

 

However, by using his last 30 gallons of leaded fuel and by adding Castrol R to the mix, he had the ladies & the blokes really ......

[turboplanner]

.desperate for more. It was the Castrol R which was produced in Malaya by members of the British Raj from peanuts collected by trained monkeys (thus a very low wages bill).

Castrol R had a fragrance that was better than Chanel No12, and was part of racing fuel. On many occasions when Turbo was queried as to why he came in last or second last he would have all the excuses which had them frantically busy making changes but in reality he had slowed down to savour the fragrance of a whole field of race cars pumping it out the exhausts as hard as they could pump it in.Then came the change to Methanol. In those days we called it Alcohol and about 30% of the drivers would die every year from poisoning through filling up their glasses from the fuel drums in the pits; more at a Championship.

Not many people know that the Castrol 500 Motor Race was a forerunner to Bathurst.

In the video of the race (link below) you see Neil Crompton at the age of 8 commentating.

The Premier of Victoria John Cain opens the race with a stirring speech and says he'll start the race by dropping the flag. Out of shot Neil quickly tells him he has to wave it, and you'll notice that when he does the cars don't move. This is because the drivers have all been knocked out by the Castrol R fumes, but the race eventually started and ...................................

 

https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=8619b7244523f828&rlz=1C1FGUR_enAU949AU949&sxsrf=ACQVn0_FM6JnRYr9rg1jYOED6X7fDOB9_Q:1707339119750&q=1984+Castrol+500&si=AKbGX_r4Uu2fFq5MMiqL16HtOLugY4TxVelMgNMZ5EOj3HptS6hfo8bwBvCXc7U5FNv-lJpilR85-u53O4SbQjF3LnE-qFic1KXHP8V7R67Y68Is0WVgPnqn6TtUR5WNotDkW1P1euur5BxrE8SUAbWxs-sNN24GMMECdX5m25dGY_hpRezMR9c%3D&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiWqfntjZqEAxWnjK8BHQDPAlQQ6RN6BAg1EAE&biw=1280&bih=551&dpr=1.5#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:0ea555cc,vid:Dg_yPDIJzdI,st:0

[onetrack]

.........the Turbo Bluebird took off like a JATO-assisted C-130 (overdue avref), surprising all the Commonwhore and Foolcon drivers. Naturally, the Bluebird was being driven by the Great Turbo himself, this is where he got his WreckFlyin name and reputation from.

He wrecked many a Bluebird on the track before he decided trucking and flying was safer, where he went on to wreck many trucks, and many aircraft, in the same manner as he wrecked Bluebirds. 

Through it all, Turbo always stepped out of every wreck with barely a scratch, and this led to many believing this was all due to his relaxed attitude at the controls, greatly assisted by the effects of the Castrol R fumes, plus a generous dose of..............

[Captain]

..... self-confident arrogance that is still with him to this day. 

"I'm too valuable to the human race to be hurt" he would say, then and now..... and he even said it to Cappy last evening when I gave him a call to see if he was OK and to try to get his ego under control (Turbo and Cappy have been close & best great mates for the past 60 years or so, since that time posted together up the Khyber fighting for Her Maj (Victoria was "hot", a bit like Princess Anne) so we used to take the Castrol R off the monkeys at gunpoint and rub it on our .....

Edited February 8 by Captain

[onetrack]

......aching muscles to ensure they totally relaxed - and this unusual technique and odd use of Castrol R, brought forth a substantial number of inquiries, especially from the large and imposing........

[Captain]

36 minutes ago, onetrack said:

......aching muscles to ensure they totally relaxed - and this unusual technique and odd use of Castrol R, brought forth a substantial number of inquiries, especially from the large and imposing........

..... Afghans tribals that we were fighting.

 

"Geez that stuff smells great, mate" they would say (but using their own colloquialisms) "Do you think that the goats would like it?".

 

"Well" Cappy replied "This guy with me is one of the GOATs in the speedway caper" ...... even though speedway hadn't yet been invented and the chariots around the colosseum was about the best likeness .... where Turbo taught dual horse opposite lock techniques using reins.

 

"Yes" said Turbo modestly "I am one of the best at everything I do, and we use Castrol R on the wheel spindles of the chariots ..... plus if you look closely you can see a white, green and red Castrol sponsorship sticker on the chariot that Spartacus drove in the film". 

 

The tribals were impressed with having access to somebody of Turbo's prowess, even though he was on the other side of the battle (although they sensed that a deal could be done) and the Warlord sent a message that said (note that his punctiliation exceeds that of our other great mate from Tassy who is a product of the great queenslander edumacation system) " G'day Cobbers." the Warlord said in Afghan "We are lining up the goats tonight to see how the Castrol R goes, so do you blokes want to come and have a ........

 

THE SOMEWHAT WORN & BATTLE-SCARRED ACTUAL CASTROL STICKER FROM SPARTACUS'S CHARIOT ... SEE MORE BELOW. (NOTE CRACKS FROM ROCKS AND DISCOLOURATION FROM BEING PELTED WITH HORSE POO).

 

 

 

The Castrol sticker is visible just below the bloke on the left wearing the red dress.

 

 

Edited February 8 by Captain

[Captain]

58 minutes ago, Captain said:

even though he was on the other side of the battle

.... and on the other side of the hill too .......... even way back then.

 

 

Edited February 8 by Captain

[Captain]

3 hours ago, Captain said:

Victoria was "hot", a bit like Princess Anne

Just to clarify re this issue after the several, perhaps hundreds, of phone calls that I have received from NES readers since the above post, below is the photo that Anne gave to Cappy (and which he still carries next to his heart) during their torrid relationship back in the 70s .......

Edited February 8 by Captain

[Captain]

58 minutes ago, Captain said:

during their torrid relationship back in the 70s .

PS ... Her mum really liked me and thought I was suitable material to contribute to the royal gene pool. Just say'n.

[turboplanner]

......race.

While goat racing was a step down on wild horses given six teaspoons of Castrol R, they went.

At the venue they were escorted to goat rugs, and given goat soup in a ritual 7 centuries old.

Then they walked down and were given a choice of chariots. Cappy chose one with a de Dion rear end because he knew he was goto be given the slippery slop of the track and when the rest went back up for the goat entree he stayed behind and attached the shark hooks and whip cutters he had seen in Spartacus.

The Afghans of course would not even think of wearing a dress in a chariot race which they saw as the reason for the collapse of the Roman Empire (but they didn't mind on some other occasions).

While they were lining up for the race .........................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

While they were lining up for the race .....

.... Turbo made his very crafty move that was typical of the outstanding later success he had with his speedway career and subsequently with Turbine Industries, when he .....

Edited February 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

............nipped under local Champion AAquel's chariot and undid the axle king bolts. This was quite a feat because goat chariots were very close to the ground. He gave his goats an extra teaspoon of Castrol R, and quickly slipped out of the arena unnoticed....or so he thought but .........

[Captain]

59 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

............nipped under local Champion AAquel's chariot and undid the axle king bolts. This was quite a feat because goat chariots were very close to the ground. He gave his goats an extra teaspoon of Castrol R, and quickly slipped out of the arena unnoticed....or so he thought but .........

..... Castrol R has 2 critical adverse effects on goats.

 

The 1st is that it gives them severe runs, but that is the opposite of running fast, as Turbo found out when he was explosively spray painted without warning (not even a slight gurgle), and the 2nd is that goats .....

Edited February 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

26 minutes ago, Captain said:

..... Castrol R has 2 critical adverse effects on goats.

 

The 1st is that it gives them severe runs, but that is the opposite of running fast, as Turbo found out when he was explosively spray painted without warning (not even a slight gurgle), and the 2nd is that goats .....

Excrete both green and brown.

Quickly adapting to this sudden change Turbo moved out wide. The camo green and brown now blended in with the sparse Afghanistan and he was able to overtake Aaquel but.....

[Captain]

20 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Excrete both green and brown.

Quickly adapting to this sudden change Turbo moved out wide. The camo green and brown now blended in with the sparse Afghanistan and he was able to overtake Aaquel but.....

... the goat poo camouflaged Turbo looked identical to an Afghan rattler in 70s Russian camo (refer earlier detailed post with photo) albeit Turbo looks like a rattler that has eaten a whole goat in one sitting, horns, parson's nose and all.

 

Aaquel dodged to the left then feinted to the right, just like Osama did before the Seals plugged him, and this meant that Turbo .....

Edited February 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...had to feint to the left and put the brakes on.

Aaquel's goats slammed into the back of Turbo's chariot, and Aaquel toppled over the dashboard stright into the .......................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

...had to feint to the left and put the brakes on.

Aaquel's goats slammed into the back of Turbo's chariot, and Aaquel toppled over the dashboard stright into the .......................

.... centre of Tubb's chariot where Aaquel discovered Turbo's secret (which confirmed the Afghan community's belief that Turbo is, indeed, a wise man and magical engineer (Turdy is on his way to Warlord status without even having to pass GO), as there ... hidden under dust, straw, 3 manky AK47s and a few involuntary spoonfuls that Turbo had done when Aaquel's chariot had struck him, was a fibre reinforced transverse spring from a Corvette, hence the flat handling and grip exhibited by Turbo's machine which was painted Corvette red and actually went faster than the goats that were pulling it, hence why the goats ......

 

Dear NESers. Please excuse Crappy's artistic license, as the above happened the century before last up the Khyber, and AK's + Vettes had not yet been invented .... but you know what I am getting at, and those are fairly minor points when the story is this interesting and relevant to matters aviation (avref).

 

TURBO'S CHARIOT LOOKED LIKE THIS BUT WITH GOATS PULLING IT AND AT 1:20 SCALE (EXCEPT FOR TURDY, WHO WAS 1:175 SCALE AFTER EATING THE WHOLE GOAT).

Edited February 9 by Captain

[turboplanner]

24 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... centre of Tubb's chariot where Aaquel discovered Turbo's secret (which confirmed the Afghan community's belief that Turbo is, indeed, a wise man and magical engineer (Turdy is on his way to Warlord status without even having to pass GO), as there ... hidden under dust, straw, 3 manky AK47s and a few involuntary spoonfuls that Turbo had done when Aaquel's chariot had struck him, was a fibre reinforced transverse spring from a Corvette, hence the flat handling and grip exhibited by Turbo's machine which was painted Corvette red and actually went faster than the goats that were pulling it, hence why the goats ......

 

Dear NESers. Please excuse Crappy's artistic license, as the above happened the century before last up the Khyber, and AK's + Vettes had not yet been invented .... but you know what I am getting at, and those are fairly minor points when the story is this interesting and relevant to matters aviation (avref).

 

TURBO'S CHARIOT LOOKED LIKE THIS BUT 1:20 SCALE (EXCEPT FOR HIM, WHO WAS 1:150 SCALE AFTER EATING THE WHOLE GOAT.

Let go a particularly big blast of camo just as Aaquel opened his big mouth when he discovered the AKs and the Corvette spring. In an instant the big mouth slowed the chariot just before it was hit, which silenced the big A and Turbo used the momentum to flick Aaquel over the back of the chariot.  Turbo was now leading the race, but just around the corner someone had placed a Ferris Wheel on the track......................

[Captain]

9 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo was now leading the race, but just around the corner someone had placed a Ferris Wheel on the track.........

.... and Turbo had never been allowed on one, as he was always too short and too heavy, plus his parents never had the dosh (this shows just how well Turbo has done to amass his fortune, about which Twiggy & Jimmy Packer are very envious).

 

The goats also showed surprising interest in a FW ride, so Tubb checked out the FW for IUDs (he was supposed to check for IEDs but was dyslexic) and he found one under the .....

 

BELOW IS WHAT TURBO FOUND. HE THOUGHT IT WAS PART OF A TESLA KEYRING.

Edited February 9 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....last chair of the Ferris wheel. 

It was being used as a safety pin to lock the bars when the seats contain little children.

He put it in his pocket.

A group of children arrived and four got into that fateful chair.

The Ride operator felt undeneath for the pin, then shrugged his shoulders. "It's not my problem" he thought "if they cust corners", turned the ride on and gave it WOT [avref].

Turbo had become so engrossed in this that he had forgotten to get off. So had his favourite goat. 

The throwing arm started to extend.

Turbo grabbed the four children under one arm and the goat under the other and fell backwards...............

[onetrack]

.....into a big pile of shrubbery (the only shrubbery of that height in the entire country) and this broke their fall admirably. The whole group walked out of the shrubbery to confront the Ferris Wheel operator - who upon sighting them, thought they were ghosts and fled, screaming in fear and crying out for supplication from Allah.

 

At that point, Turbo realised he could now take over the ownership and operation of the Ferris Wheel, and add another useful business to his Afghan portfolio.

However, he now needed another Ferris Wheel operator, as he was too busy himself, what with dealing with Taliban negotiators, organising to free his numerous friends from jail, and arranging multiple bribes to governors, public servants, police, and border guards. 

 

There was a need to find an operator urgently, as the Ferris Wheel queue was growing rapidly (mostly because a large number of assembled Afghans thought a ride on it, was a way out the country), so Turbo looked around and spotted........

[turboplanner]

7 minutes ago, onetrack said:

.....into a big pile of shrubbery (the only shrubbery of that height in the entire country) and this broke their fall admirably. The whole group walked out of the shrubbery to confront the Ferris Wheel operator - who upon sighting them, thought they were ghosts and fled, screaming in fear and crying out for supplication from Allah.

 

At that point, Turbo realised he could now take over the ownership and operation of the Ferris Wheel, and add another useful business to his Afghan portfolio.

However, he now needed another Ferris Wheel operator, as he was too busy himself, what with dealing with Taliban negotiators, organising to free his numerous friends from jail, and arranging multiple bribes to governors, public servants, police, and border guards. 

 

There was a need to find an operator urgently, as the Ferris Wheel queue was growing rapidly (mostly because a large number of assembled Afghans thought a ride on it, was a way out the country), so Turbo looked around and spotted........

Cappy walking out of an opium den.

He didn’t have much option but to become an Operator but jacked up at having to wear the National costume.

Cappy retaliated by pocketing the takings until.....

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Cappy walking out of an opium den.

He didn’t have much option but to become an Operator but jacked up at having to wear the National costume.

Cappy retaliated by pocketing the takings until.....

..... he had enough to buy his own ferris wheel that would be bigger than the London Eye.

 

That was the easy part, but then he had to buy a burqa to cover it, and that ......

 

The below photo shows the Kabul Eye after the burqa was installed. It cuts down on the view, but is halal certified, so you can't have everything. This photo taken from Taliban HQ, approx. 7 kms away as the RPG flies (avref). This pic does not show the light on the top to warn off aircraft (avref) on approach to Kabul International Airport (avref) (presently a little smaller that DG International, but no Mafia burial complications and competing hard to be the world's greatest freight hub).

Edited February 9 by Captain

[Captain]

24 minutes ago, Captain said:

The below photo shows the Kabul Eye after the burqa was installed. It cuts down on the view, but is halal certified, so you can't have everything. This photo taken from Taliban HQ, approx. 7 kms away as the RPG flies (avref). This pic does not show the light on the top to warn off aircraft (avref) on approach to Kabul International Airport (avref) (presently a little smaller that DG International, but no Mafia burial complications and competing hard to be the world's greatest freight hub).

This may all appear to be a little far-fetched to some of our hundreds of newer NES readers, but your Cappy can attest to its correctness, and I am certain that the TurgidPlonker will back me up on this too, as he was there and was an honoured guest on one of the 1st rides. (Turbine Muslim Enterprises (TME) actually provided partial equity funding for the burqa, at very favourable rates).

Edited February 9 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...as Cappy has explained was possible only through Cappy's experience at dealing with the Arabs, which his great grandfather Lord Augustus Chatfield-Cook had handed down in the form of a hand-written journal with sketches. Sketch "Certainty" shown below

 

Of course, Australia has giant freight hubs too, The Wangaratta Freight Hub which required the demolition of most of the local airport, and the Well camp Feight Hub which was expanding every day.

 

Turbo was indeed at the Burqua for one of the first rides; he had been looking for Cappy to discuss the poor performance of his own ride, but Cappy managed to appear busy and frowned at any interruptions and he new friends the Arabs joined in frowning at him, so Turbo tipped off the US Internal Revenue Service who flew a team out in Turbos Challenger [avref] and .................