The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......wayward Colonel Unlocks, a distinguished member of the Unlocks family. It was General Shaun Unlocks that carried out atrocities on behalf of Lord Cumberland after the Jacobites had surrendered at the Battle of Culloden, and founded The Black Watch which was stationed at Fort William and chased Highlanders for years, so it was fair to say that the Colonel was not totally trusted by all of the Khyber Pass stalwarts which included the Jacobite Turbine family, and so on that fateful day which started with an unusual rush from the Khybers .................

..... who had written some new jokes and were keen to use them to taunt the Raj.

 

"Hey you Jackoffbites, you can stick your black watch as I prefer a Seiko with a grey dial".

 

The Gungadins were all a titter after unleashing that level of humour,  and Colonel Unlocks (known as Col to his mates), stepped out from his hidey hole behind 10 rows of the common soldiery and called .....

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

..... who had written some new jokes and were keen to use them to taunt the Raj.

 

"Hey you Jackoffbites, you can stick your black watch as I prefer a Seiko with a grey dial".

 

The Gungadins were all a titter after unleashing that level of humour,  and Colonel Unlocks (known as Col to his mates), stepped out from his hidey hole behind 10 rows of the common soldiery and called .....

....the bugler.

"Play me songs of war" he said with full purpose"

So the Bugler played Yellow Rose of Texas.

 

There was silence in the Empire ranks and the Gungadins weren't making their usual noise either as both side tried to work out what the tune meant.

 

The Gs assumed it foreshadowed a new secret weapon and ran but Gungadin OneLeg stood his ground, as diffcult as that was on the side of a near cliff.

 

"You're a better man than I am, Gungadin" replied Gungadin Cooke who was running as fast as his little legs could carry him for the safety of .................

 

 

To those NES readers who have been sending in messages asking what Dak Runners were, these were the men who used to run all over the Himalayas and northern India delivering the mail in the 1900s. It was hot work so they ran without their Daks. It was said there was a mountain chick standing at every gate in those days.

 

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

You're a better man than I am, Gungadin" replied Gungadin Cooke who was running as fast as his little legs could carry him for the safety of .......

.... the Khyber Pass Residents, Visitors, Rebels and Common Soldiery Forum, where he was a Moderator and was considered an expert in ......

[turboplanner]

......the Khyber Pass Spotters Association Ltd.

This entitled him to ..........................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

......the Khyber Pass Spotters Association Ltd.

This entitled him to ..........................

.... discounted joint membership of the KPSAL & the KPRVRACSF, plus the added bonus of a couple of  .....

[turboplanner]

........goat chops on a Friday night at the KPRVRACSF Clubrooms (Patron: King George III)

The money rolled in and it wasn't long before they bought their own Drifter and started training pilots , then bought more for hire.

The  YIKP airfield was six feet long; taking off was a dream, you just dropped off the bottom and and had 6000 feet to get it flying. There were no overruns on landing but you had to get the hand brake on quick, and if you ...................

 

[Captain]

..... did happen to overrun, you could just use somebody else's rego number, so landing and penalty fees were just .....

[turboplanner]

paid by the slow and cautious.

That was before IASA's FoI, Jitmaa Singh arrived.

He could see the problem so he decided to do some ramp checks and began bailing up people at the top of the airstrip.

Soon most of the runway was taken up by parked aircraft with red "Prohibited, Oh my goodness!" stickers.

Take off was a hairy experience where you dropped 1500 feet before the aerodynamics kicked in, but landings now had a barrier to parked aircraft to stop you.

A couple of pilots crept up behind Jitmaa when he was ramp checking a Drifter and ...........................

[Captain]

55 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

A couple of pilots crept up behind Jitmaa when he was ramp checking a Drifter and ........

...... Jitmaa was despatched in the tried and proven manner that was taught to them by the battle proven tactics of Turbine French Foreign Legion PLC, which......

 

Turbine Industries had taken over the FFL when France found it a bit expensive to run, and had made good use of them ever since to achieve policy change and policy "development" around the world. 

[turboplanner]

2 hours ago, Captain said:

...... Jitmaa was despatched in the tried and proven manner that was taught to them by the battle proven tactics of Turbine French Foreign Legion PLC, which......

 

Turbine Industries had taken over the FFL when France found it a bit expensive to run, and had made good use of them ever since to achieve policy change and policy "development" around the world. 

......consisted of a swift knife in the back. Anyone who has worked in Industry would be familiar with the process whether on the A side or the receiving B side. IASA was the better for it because a gentle warming always focuses a group, and the remaining FOIs were easy to spit because they all had rear vision mirrors taped to their necks. The flyers got more and more out of control until one.......

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

got more and more out of control until one.......

..... of them showed his hand and declared that he/she was part of the Undercover Walloper Division (UWD) of the AUF and that names have been taken, to be reported "upstairs" to the ......

[turboplanner]

"Board" (which wasn't a Board but just  board board).

The battle-hardened Cappy, with an afternoon of gin, offered to give them all a good smack in the teeth and they withdrew to the lower altitudes.

 

Without the UWD around on a Saturday afternoon, it became quite boring so Turbo, Cappy and OT pulled their Blueheads down, bored them out to the max, ground the ports over 180, filled in the squish chambers and tuned the exhausts, getting peak power up to 135 hp right on rpm just under VNE.

 

Many people know about the USAF taking the crashed Roswell spacecraft to Area51 out in Nevada, and discovering Kevlar, the Transistor and sun tan oil, but only a few know that Turboy's father Chuck Turbine got in first, finding what he called Kevlar B which when hardened with the B Resin became lighter and stronger than carbon fibre which was a NASA copy.

 

TI had kept the Kevlar B specifications and instructions for mixing the B Compound so turbo threw away the rag wing and made two shorter solid wings and a more streamlined nose, and the trio started racing their KB Drifters around the mountains mapping out a route which took in all the big peaks.

Every Saturday afternoon the three Blueheads would scream around the valleys scaring the crap out of the Khybers; it wasn't easy on the goolies either.

 

The race attracted buyers for the KB Drifters, so a Cup was produced and the race called King of the Mountains. 

 

Years later it was copied by another race called King of the Mountain at Bathurst in Australia but that was just a hill.

 

Eventually the Maharaja of Mysoras ..............................

 

Edited May 21 by turboplanner

[Captain]

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......consisted of a swift knife in the back.

All NESers, and particularly those couple of hundred new members, should be aware that this has been the modus operandi of the Turbine Clan, ever since the well documented Turbine Ides of March affair was recorded near the Pizzarea in downtown Rome.

It is also rumored that Turbine Pontius Pilot/Golgotha were behind that bit of an enduring story in Jerusalem, ....... where Turbine Carpenters and Woodworkers built the cross after having constructed a Manger for a little tacker some 32 years before, ...... so what would be the odds for Turbo's ancestors having made a few sheckles on that little kiddie's arrival and also on his departure? (They must have been well paid as if the latter is true, they must have had crews working through the leadup to both Christmas and Easter, so it would have been hard to get good tradies).

 

Even as of a day or so ago, Turbine CIA have been rumored to have been involved in some chopper prang in Iran.

 

So, a warning for you all not to cross Turbo, as his stratagem may sometimes compensate for his lack of talent (so he then hires other people that know what they are doing), but with a lack of talent, Turbo has demonstrated that you are, or will be, screwed.

Edited May 21 by Captain

[Captain]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Years later it was copied by another race called King of the Mountain at Bathurst in Australia but that was just a hill.

 

Eventually the Maharaja of Mysoras .....

..... who was known as MaH My to his mates (who would then take the piss every Friday night when he would drive them to the pub, and they would say "Are we there yet Mahmy?".

 

Mahmy, however, was a smart little Maharajah who had been dux of his year at the Moorabbin TAFE, and he made a(nother) fortune when he licenced the term "The Great Race" to be used a minumum of 7500 times each time the race was held and the commentators on the TV drove everyone mad using the term every year.

 

Mahmy was so switched on to the Aussie psychi that he also registered in 1970, then licenced the names "Brocky", "DJ", "Moff" and "Scafey" + a set of Sup Regs that he had also previously licenced to NASCAR .... so the cars are now actually all the same with a different badge on the grill.

 

However the Mahmy and his crowd of rowdy mates got bored with Bit-Of-a-Hill Panorama and turned their attention to .......

Edited May 21 by Captain

[turboplanner]

5 hours ago, Captain said:

All NESers, and particularly those couple of hundred new members, should be aware that this has been the modus operandi of the Turbine Clan, ever since the well documented Turbine Ides of March affair was recorded near the Pizzarea in downtown Rome.

It is also rumored that Turbine Pontius Pilot/Golgotha were behind that bit of an enduring story in Jerusalem, ....... where Turbine Carpenters and Woodworkers built the cross after having constructed a Manger for a little tacker some 32 years before, ...... so what would be the odds for Turbo's ancestors having made a few sheckles on that little kiddie's arrival and also on his departure? (They must have been well paid as if the latter is true, they must have had crews working through the leadup to both Christmas and Easter, so it would have been hard to get good tradies).

 

Even as of a day or so ago, Turbine CIA have been rumored to have been involved in some chopper prang in Iran.

 

So, a warning for you all not to cross Turbo, as his stratagem may sometimes compensate for his lack of talent (so he then hires other people that know what they are doing), but with a lack of talent, Turbo has demonstrated that you are, or will be, screwed.

Turbo compliments his dear friend Cappy's outstanding work of fiction in this fun story about his ancestors. His family did indeed own a village of 600 just outside the castle which bred the soldiers who ran out of the village and were issues with weapons when they ran into the castle for protection.

 

This model lasted for years until a careless Charles Turbine left the gate open one night.

 

Cappy knows full well how Turbine operate since he is hired to play a gin soaked  beggar lying on the street with a placard "$5 and I won't sing a song", his hidden camera recording careless conversations, designed to catch careless trollers who can't keep their story straight.

 

Only recently Turbo warned against flying into cloud where you can't see a stinger coming the other way. Of course he didn't mention the stinger because he thought everyone would be aware of the obvious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......airabatics as the yanks call it this year An odd name, but they are the grand kids of the hippy era.

They bought the 135 hp Blueheads from TurbOtCapTbull Conversions Inc. (formed late in the night at a Christmas party), lightened the Drifters, reworked the controls to give something like a BYD control sensitivity (straight and level every fifth time), and started flying inside the box.

 

This .............

[Captain]

17 hours ago, Captain said:

Mahmy, however, was a smart little Maharajah

As vital info for NESers, Cappy's latest detective work has discovered that Mahmy is also the force, and the name, behind Marmite, and he has now retained Turbine marketing to elevate Marmite above Vegemite in the eyes of OZ consumers.

 

Readers will detect that the below new avant-garde hippy colours and the shallow smiley face, with lolling tongue, are selfportrait-like Turbine trademarks, but as is usual with  the outcome of Turbine marketing programs, Aussies are really taking to this new look and Turbo's multi $ million bonus is almost assured. (Note how they have pinched the lid shape and colour from Vegemite jars).

 

Edited May 22 by Captain

[Captain]

16 hours ago, turboplanner said:

and started flying inside the box.

 

This .......

..... reference to "inside the box" awakened considerable interest from Mavis and caused great consternation amongst the Moderatti.

 

"Goodness" said Moderator 6 at the start of the Moderatti Illuminatti Conventionatti (held via a Zoom (avref) meeting after dinner last night. "Could Turbo be over the line (again) and secretly referring to a v........ 

[Captain]

6 hours ago, Captain said:

awakened considerable interest from Mavis

It was a "stirring" based on her memory of some good and torrid times with bull.

[turboplanner]

Mahmy, who was out shooting tiger in the Corbett National Park again (in return for a refresher supply from zoos around the world who fell for his "I will very much appreciate execess tigers which I will give a very good home and very happy in out National Parks for free very much thankyou sir").

On his return he invited Cappy up for a shoot, and thanked Turbo for his marketing of the tiny jar of waste yeast mixed with powdered walnut and Castrol sewing machine grease. Thanks to the subliminal messages and icons, they were selling like hotcakes.

[turboplanner]

........vertical climb followed by a vertival dive followed by a vertical plunge over water, a display becoming more popular but frowned on by CASA who had decided to step in and ................

[turboplanner]

bull had not been heard of for three weeks. Turbine tracking had his trawler out in the middle of the South China sea. There were plenty of raw prawns there, and must were trigger-happy, so there was some concern since bull's trawler had that sleek military look and was painted grey.

A closer look would have hurt the ears with a constant rotating of cassetts playing Dire Straits music on loudspeakers, but you never knew when the Chinese were going to turn inscrutable.

 

They had been scrutable for 40 years, but you never knew.

 

[Turbo has been careful to match the Millenial "Executive Summary", which can include anything and are often a shopping list, the body of text and the End Note, all with Oxford commas.]

[Captain]

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........vertical climb followed by a vertival dive followed by a vertical plunge over water, a display becoming more popular but frowned on by CASA who had decided to step in and ................

..... fell in the water too, with the CASA johnnies going down and meeting the Bluehead Drifter drivers coming out.

 

This resulted in an interesting but confusing amalgam of .......

[Captain]

20 hours ago, Captain said:

..... fell in the water too, with the CASA johnnies going down and meeting the Bluehead Drifter drivers coming out.

 

This resulted in an interesting but confusing amalgam of .......

Side note ---- This near catastrophe is when Turbine Swimming Lessons P/L and the more advanced Turbine AIS Olympic Training PLC got their big start.

[turboplanner]

....something a little like water Polo as the CASA Js pointed at the Drifters sitting on the bottom, half without registration letters and others with obvious defects, and tried to stop the Bluehead drivers swimming up because they weren't carrying the correct documents.

 

After gulping gallons of water trying to yell at each other the groups resorted to sign language, the Bluehead Brigade confining it to the middle finger of the left hand and the FOIs using more expressive versions of what they were going to do with them. One finally broke the surface and gasped "We have deep pockets", but no one knew what he meant.

 

The newly formed Turbine Ocean Rescue Inc. raced in to action, descending on ropes into the water (there were still a few procedural bugs to be sorted out.)

 

The trouble started when bull chose the best looking female to grab.............................................