The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......not as easy to manipulate as they used to be.

In the past you could round up a truckload of wild goats and sell them in the stockyards as a job lot of prime lambs, and no one would say anything. Who did it hurt? the consumers who bought the meat couldn't tell sheep from turkey anyway, but the SIs would sit in their cars - always Hilux 4x4 dual cab utes in that ugly dark blue colour looking through the long range scopes they used to use as FoIs, and before you could get the cash transferred they'd be knocking on ........................................

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

 - always Hilux 4x4 dual cab utes in that ugly dark blue colour looking through the long range scopes they used to use as FoIs, and before you could get the cash transferred they'd be knocking on ........

..... heaven's door, like a Taliban leader in the green of night vision equipment. 

 

Turbo, who had been up the Khyber and had experience with goats as well, pointed out that the SI shouldn't be doing that with a goat, particularly in the main sale ring.

 

The SI didn't seem at all embarrassed, he had grown up in DG after all, and he preceeded to .....

Edited October 23 by Captain

[onetrack]

....stand behind the goat, which brought a cacophony of jeers and cheers from the crowd around the sale ring (crowds at sale rings are merciless, as anyone with even a small amount of livestock selling experience should know. The jeers and cheers were interrupted by the stock auctioneer, who said...........

[Captain]

2 hours ago, onetrack said:

....stand behind the goat, which brought a cacophony of jeers and cheers from the crowd around the sale ring (crowds at sale rings are merciless, as anyone with even a small amount of livestock selling experience should know. The jeers and cheers were interrupted by the stock auctioneer, who said...........

..... that this is certain to remind Turbo of the time that he was captured up near the Khyber and was subsequently offered for sale in the local Slave Market.

 

As Turbo has often told the story each Anzac Day, it was in that market that he was stripped to be inspected by the wife of the local Warlord, when a big Billy also took a shine to his .......

 

The very same Slave market, with the main canvas painted to show just before Turbo and the other blokes came up for sale.

 

In the tryptic of this painting, which is currently on display in the Vatican, Turbo and the other blokes are off on stage right in the central tryptic, and at the very far right is Cappy preparing check a grenade to rescue his best mate .... hence Turdy's survival to this day. (Cappy ignored Turbo's calls not to blow up the Warlord's wife "She is hot", as Turbo described her ..... but it was too late and she was collateral damage .... although the Billy did initially survive to try to have his way with Tubb, but Cappy finished him off before he did too much damage).

Edited October 23 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....Burritos and there was some head butting which put Turbo on the back foot but just as the Billy charged with his head down, Turbo whipped out his Kukri and with one stroke parted the Billy with his two most prized possessions.

 

There was a moment's silence, then the Billy who was now a billy...................................

 

Turbo never ceases to be amazed at Cappy's superior intellect and his interest in things like the arts. When he gets interested he studies astutely as in the case when he built his one Jabiru. Some would say that it was the best Jabiru ever built. Others wouldn't but we don't have to get into that here. His advice on thru bolts though was empirical, and ...................

 

Turbo had never heard the word "tryptic" used in the art world before; his own experience in training at the National Gallery, never included and sessions where tryptics were required although Turbo was once sharply told by the Lecturer "We don't need cartoonists here".

 

In trying to find a clue, Turbo's eye fell on the publisher of the above piece of art - the National Geographical Society, and notes that today with the weakening of our society it would be banned by Facebook, based to FB's outraged message to Turbo once, who'd just posted a photo of an Aboriginal tribe taken in the 1870's which not only was removed, but FB gave Turbo a lecture in the perils of nudity.

 

 

 

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

based to FB's outraged message to Turbo once, who'd just posted a photo of an Aboriginal tribe taken in the 1870's which not only was removed, but FB gave Turbo a lecture in the perils of nudity.

This, dear readers, proves that FB spies on us, as to make such a statement can only have been derived from watching Turbo after a shower as he meticulously dried all of his perilous bits.

 

Erky Perky. 

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

There was a moment's silence, then the Billy who was now a billy ......

 

.... minced across the stage, holding where they used to be, and joined the Pakistani version of AOPA, which ......

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Others wouldn't but we don't have to get into that here. His advice on thru bolts though was empirical, and ...................

.... has been the subject of several awards for clarity, brevity, factuality, effusiveness and .....

[Captain]

Crappy apologizes, but the above numerous responses were essential to address Turdy's plethora of ......'s throughout his last post.

 

And for those of you that are similarly challenged in the world of fine arts, like Turbo, below is a tryptic of a Turbo Porsche.

 

And below that is a treat for aviation art lovers, being a short lesson on how to draw Turbo ..... the great man himself. (Note his stunning blue eyes & that boyish grin, that still get all the girls in).

 

 

 

Edited October 24 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........has been used only yesterday as an example, by King Charles in Samoa, of how a small Company facing an overwhelming problem, could break through to success with the help of his friend Captain Cook. Turbo warns Australian Industry in general to be very careful with this nefarious liaison when dealing with a certain rodent, especially in .............

 

 

Turbo's Two horsepower Kenworth Hot Rod with bunk tryptic.

 

It's interesting to note the NES readership and participation with this random story about Turbo which produced 21,833 replies (unfortunately 21,832 were unprintable.) compared to the next item where only two people replied. Such is the power of Cappy's inspiring wit.

 

 

 

[bull]

On 23/10/2024 at 7:13 AM, Captain said:

....... the hands of Onesie and bull, who claim the SIs are SIlly, SImple, SInister, inSIgnificant and are human versions of SIgmoidoscopes.

 

But not only that, they are ......

................... on par with  the also detested casa Fi,s who whilst ramp checking the parking area at.............

Edited October 25 by bull

[Captain]

14 hours ago, bull said:

..... on par with the also detested casa Fi,s who whilst ramp checking the parking area at .......

NESers will note that Cappy, ever a kind soul, is graciously ignoring the fact that his good friend, bull, may have skipped 10 or 15 posts at the last change of page.

 

..... Southern Cross, asked Onesie (who is notoriously and conspicuously straight) whether he was interested in a Sigmoidoscope type Rump Check as well, and this is a well-known LMBTQBBQ way to suggest that consenting adults might ......

 

OT is even more straight than this:

 

 

And this:

Edited October 25 by Captain

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

NESers will note that Cappy, ever a kind soul, is graciously ignoring the fact that his good friend, bull, may have skipped 10 or 15 posts at the last change of page.

 

..... Southern Cross, asked Onesie (who is notoriously and conspicuously straight) whether he was interested in a Sigmoidoscope type Rump Check as well, and this is a well-known LMBTQBBQ way to suggest that consenting adults might ......

 

OT is even more straight than this:

 

 

And this:

......Take a walk to see the countryside. What the SI didn’t know was that OT was moonlighting in cattle transportation using the 15 road trains he’d had to buy to move all his CAT parts out of Perth. The trailers weren’t stock trailers but The resourceful OT ran. Electric fence cord around the outside of the trailer posts which kept the losses down to eight per per convoy, but there was nowhere for the dogs to sit so they had to get in with the cattle. OT had been scouting ahead in the Lexus looking for a good parking spot when the Stock Inpector made the advances. He......

[onetrack]

.....pulled OT up and said, "Where's ya waybill?", in that normal social greeting method used by all SI's, and CASA operatives when asking to see logbooks.

 

But OT was well ahead of the SI in his planning.

 

"The dog ate it", he replied nonchalantly, knowing full well it was a great old excuse, regularly used by Turbo and Cappy when they went to school, and were asked to produce their homework.

It was the exact same excuse they used when CASA operatives asked to see their logbooks.

 

"Yair, right", snarled the SI. "Pull the other one, that's got bells on it", as he reached for his...........

 

Edited October 26 by onetrack

[Captain]

.... cattle transport owner's punishment reamer, which is not legal but all SI's and FI's carry one and are skilled at using it to .....

 

A general view of the types of reamers favored by SI's and FI's.

Particularly the Fluting Reamer which receptive recipients sometimes refer to as the Flirting Reamer.

Edited October 26 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....ensure the safety of people [Avref] or cattle {Beast ref].

In the early days of the CatFarm Chain, Turbo had used the Chucking Spline on wayward cats, but there was virtually nothing left of the cat after an application so the decision was made to use 12 gauge shotguns on the basis of similar result, less walking.

 

Interestingly the Expanding Reamer was used by .................

[bull]

On 26/10/2024 at 9:55 AM, Captain said:

NESers will note that Cappy, ever a kind soul, is graciously ignoring the fact that his good friend, bull, may have skipped 10 or 15 posts at the last change of page.

 

..... Southern Cross, asked Onesie (who is notoriously and conspicuously straight) whether he was interested in a Sigmoidoscope type Rump Check as well, and this is a well-known LMBTQBBQ way to suggest that consenting adults might ......

 

OT is even more straight than this:

 

 

And this:

Disclaimer:  Bull has been advised by a higher authority that his last post IS FULLY COMPLIANT with the posting rules of the NES as it is changing and :continuing the edit of a NEVER ENDING always CHANGING story..................[just my rant for the day]

[Captain]

14 hours ago, bull said:

Disclaimer:  Bull has been advised by a higher authority that his last post IS FULLY COMPLIANT with the posting rules of the NES as it is changing and :continuing the edit of a NEVER ENDING always CHANGING story..................[just my rant for the day]

Worry not dear friend.

We understand, and there is no need for a Legal Disclaimer, so obviously written by your solicitor.

I have spoken to Onesie, Turdy, that CT of a bloke from DG + several of the leading NES non contributors and we all consider you to be a valuable asset.

Crappy even admits that he has butchered some posts and skipped several at the change of page in the past, so it is nothing to get upset about. 

You are one of us, bull, and it was my honour to fight for your survival in the NES as your Advocate. (Please cryovac 20 kgs or prawns and airfrieght immediately as full payment).

[Captain]

19 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Interestingly the Expanding Reamer was used by .................

..... by the Lion & Tiger trainer at Turbine Circus and Big Top, where the animals ....

 

[onetrack]

.......showed the whites of their eyes the instant the expanding reamer came out on display, whenever they were playing up, and refusing to perform. When Turbo showed great interest in how this simple expanding reamer display could get the animals to behave immediately, he inquired of the trainer, if it would work on..........

[Captain]

17 minutes ago, onetrack said:

.......showed the whites of their eyes the instant the expanding reamer came out on display, whenever they were playing up, and refusing to perform. When Turbo showed great interest in how this simple expanding reamer display could get the animals to behave immediately, he inquired of the trainer, if it would work on..........

...... the following:

 

(1) If it works on big cats, could it also encourage discipline within the Turbine Cat Farms operations, where profits have slipped over recent years as the cats started to throw their weight (and claws) around.

 

(2) In the other area where herding cats has become an issue ..... in the Federal and State political arenas.

 

The Trainer was full of ideas and said ".....

 

 

Edited October 28 by Captain

[turboplanner]

"You could try" and "I couldn't guarantee it but it's a good idea" and "You might have something there!" and yelped as Turbo used the ER on him.

Just up the road, with another load of Waygus Turbo was stopped by a Stock Inspector.

The SI couldn't help but notice Turbo was holding something under his reefer jacket.

"Is that a gun, you've got there?" he asked suspiciously.

Turbo laughed and said "No, just an itch"

They were just three km from the last tick gate and since this was within the 10 km limit, the SI was looking forward to a very detailed write-up.

 

For those not familiar with livestock or tick gates, these are confined mainly to Queensland, where many property owners "forget" to register new calves for what the Qld Government thinks is a petty-cash $137.82.

 

The Qld Government is smart, realising that all these calves eventually had to come down the roads to the Abbatoirs, so they installed Tick Gates.

 

These are not gates across the road, because that would required SI's to open them for every car, motor home or semi; they are just pretend gates with a crapper nearby for the SI to make a cup of tea.

 

When the SI held up his hand to a stock vehicle, the driver was obligated to stop and the SI tick off the registered livestock and give you a right royal ticking off if you didn't have tags on them.

 

So the name "Tick Gate" just stuck.

 

Mostly SIs spend their time at the local pub telling stories, so people get used to driving through at 100 km/hr or 130 km/hr for semi drivers who were never sure whether they should stop or had a free pass.

 

As the two people faced off, the SI pressed his collar button which sent an alarm to the local Highway Patrol.

 

Now Turbo and the various State and Territory Highway Patrols have a long history, and the Highway Patrol Kia made its way to the scene quickly.

 

Turbo had read the excited body language of the Stock Inspector so he waited for the HP players to arrive with the intention of reaming all three with his new Expanding Reamer.

 

However, just as the Highway Patrol arrived a steer broke out of the trailer and .........

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

"You could try" and "I couldn't guarantee it but it's a good idea" and "You might have something there!" and yelped as Turbo used the ER on him.

Just up the road, with another load of Waygus Turbo was stopped by a Stock Inspector.

The SI couldn't help but notice Turbo was holding something under his reefer jacket.

"Is that a gun, you've got there?" he asked suspiciously.

Turbo laughed and said "No, just an itch"

They were just three km from the last tick gate and since this was within the 10 km limit, the SI was looking forward to a very detailed write-up.

 

For those not familiar with livestock or tick gates, these are confined mainly to Queensland, where many property owners "forget" to register new calves for what the Qld Government thinks is a petty-cash $137.82.

 

The Qld Government is smart, realising that all these calves eventually had to come down the roads to the Abbatoirs, so they installed Tick Gates.

 

These are not gates across the road, because that would required SI's to open them for every car, motor home or semi; they are just pretend gates with a crapper nearby for the SI to make a cup of tea.

 

When the SI held up his hand to a stock vehicle, the driver was obligated to stop and the SI tick off the registered livestock and give you a right royal ticking off if you didn't have tags on them.

 

So the name "Tick Gate" just stuck.

 

Mostly SIs spend their time at the local pub telling stories, so people get used to driving through at 100 km/hr or 130 km/hr for semi drivers who were never sure whether they should stop or had a free pass.

 

As the two people faced off, the SI pressed his collar button which sent an alarm to the local Highway Patrol.

 

Now Turbo and the various State and Territory Highway Patrols have a long history, and the Highway Patrol Kia made its way to the scene quickly.

 

Turbo had read the excited body language of the Stock Inspector so he waited for the HP players to arrive with the intention of reaming all three with his new Expanding Reamer.

 

However, just as the Highway Patrol arrived a steer broke out of the trailer and .........

And there, dear readers, is an ostentatious example of the benefits of extreme wealth.

 

Turbo has obviously gone to Turbine AI and said "Knock me up a couple of pages of bovine related entertaining crap for the NES, that will keep OT, bull & the Crapster happy, ..... always remembering, of course, that bull is a bit sensitive and is perhaps litigious at the moment.

 

Crappy, just a working class Barrister at the present time (he expects to be elevated to a KC in this year's Christmas Honours List), now needs to read and re-read Tubb's tome in order to compose a genuine, non AI response.

Edited October 28 by Captain

[turboplanner]

It seems that Turbo has overpowered Cappy with his smooth flowing  inviting prose, even though, as a fellow Badge of Honour to Cappy for oustanding gallantry and services to India, had not intended to intimidate the good Captain who clearly has writer's block. All the great authors have this problem; and Turbo will defend his dear fellow medalist against the many snide comments Turbo has heard. Perhaps a visit to the Wagga Wagga Abattoirs would help where there's a laugh a minute from boners trying to scare people by wearing a bull's [not our bull] head still dripping with blood, or crawling around in a sheep skin, or juggling boning knives - life is never dull in a meatworks.

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It seems that Turbo has overpowered Cappy with his smooth flowing  inviting prose, even though, as a fellow Badge of Honour to Cappy for oustanding gallantry and services to India, had not intended to intimidate the good Captain who clearly has writer's block. All the great authors have this problem; and Turbo will defend his dear fellow medalist against the many snide comments Turbo has heard. Perhaps a visit to the Wagga Wagga Abattoirs would help where there's a laugh a minute from boners trying to scare people by wearing a bull's [not our bull] head still dripping with blood, or crawling around in a sheep skin, or juggling boning knives - life is never dull in a meatworks.

My Turd-Bro is right, as usual, as Cappy has the NES writing block blues, just like Billy Shakespeare experienced after the success of Hamlet and before he wrote Romeo & Juliet ........ also same like Pliny the Elder after he wrote The Complete History of Egypt and then had a 20 year break hitting the turps on the beach at Ephesus, before he wrote The Total History of the Grecko/Roman Empires (including the Addendum covering their taxi driver's domination of the industry in Melbournistan [pre Uber])

 

Crappy thanks his best mate, and wingman (Turbs once became disoriented during a battle up the Khyber, and fired down the line, winging Cappy .... but it was an honest mistake, so no worries on that count) for his sympathetic post and will wait for the compositional magic to return).

 

PS .... Cappy knows about "boners", and it has been a while on that front too, so that is another reason why he is down in the dumps ..... plus the wound from Turbo is still weeping and needs a new dressing hourly.

Edited October 30 by Captain