Economic Models Explained

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SOCIALISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

You give one to your neighbour.

 

 

 

COMMUNISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

 

 

FASCISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

 

 

NAZISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

 

 

BUREAUCRATISM

 

You have 2 cows.

 

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

 

 

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell one and buy a bull.

 

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

 

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

 

 

SURREALISM

 

You have two giraffes.

 

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

 

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

 

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

 

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

 

You have two cows.

 

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

 

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

 

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

 

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

 

No balance sheet provided with the release.

 

The public then buys your bull.

 

 

 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

 

You have two cows.

 

You shred them.

 

 

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

 

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

 

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

 

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

 

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

 

You decide to have lunch.

 

 

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You count them and learn you have five cows.

 

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

 

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

 

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

 

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

 

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

 

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

 

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You have 300 people milking them.

 

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

 

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

 

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

You worship them.

 

 

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

Both are mad.

 

 

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

 

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

 

You tell them that you have none.

 

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

 

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

 

 

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

 

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.

 

Business seems pretty good.

 

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

 

 

 

LOCAL GOVERNMENT

 

You have 2 cows.

 

They are looked after by a knowledgeable herdsman.

 

You "restructure the farm" and "let go" the herdsman in the interests of efficiency

 

Your two cows are left on their own

 

They stop producing milk

 

You throw up your hands and say this is an unintended outcome of restructure

 

You hire a herdsman consultant at an exorbitant rate

 

He talks to the cows and listens to their complaints

 

He writes a report and suggests to you a course of action to get them to produce milk again

 

It costs money

 

You ignore him

 

The cows die