MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

[Ben Longden]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

 

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

 

[Guest Nelson Smith]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at

 

> >>work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,

 

> >>sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

 

> > The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her

 

> >>lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in

 

> >>there already.

 

> >>

 

> >>The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

 

> >>The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

 

> >>Boy - 'I have a football.'

 

> >>Man - 'That's nice.'

 

> >>Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

 

> >>Man - 'No, thanks.'

 

> >>Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

 

> >>Man - 'OK, how much?'

 

> >>Boy - '$750'

 

> >>

 

> >>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the

 

> >>lover are in the cupboard together.

 

> >>

 

> >>Boy - 'Dark in here.'

 

> >>Man - 'Yes, it is.'

 

> >>Boy - 'I have football boots.'

 

> >>The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

 

> >>

 

> >>Boy - '$2250'

 

> >>Man - 'Sold.'

 

> >>

 

> >>A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your

 

> >>boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

 

> >>

 

> >>The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

 

> >>The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

 

> >>Boy - '$3000'

 

> >>The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends

 

> >>like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going

 

> >>to take you to church and make you confess.'

 

> >>

 

> >>They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in

 

> >>the confession booth and he closes the door.

 

> >>

 

> >>The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

 

> >>The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard

 

> > now.'

 

> >

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

Reading the news, it struck me that I might get more if I took a vow of celibacy......