Qantas Mechanic vs. Pilot

[Steve L]

Subject: Qantas Mechanic vs. Pilot

 

Mechanic vs. Pilot

 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high

 

school diploma to fix one.

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe

 

sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

 

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the

 

form, and

 

then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

 

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked

 

with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

 

engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had

 

an accident.

 

---------------

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

 

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

 

descent.

 

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

 

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 

S: Suspect you're right..

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

 

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

 

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

 

pounding on something with a hammer.

 

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Steve

 

 

[Guest basscheffers]

Qantas planes have IFF and target radars!? :confused:

 

 

[Ultralights]

these days its takes longer to become a LAME than a pilot!

 

 

[Steve L]

Its not meant to be serious. Just a bit of humor

 

 

[Steve L]

Does anyone know what "IFF" means ? all I can find in my flight rules guide is - identification friend/foe

 

Steve

 

 

[facthunter]

correct

 

that's what it is . Identification friend or foe . nev..

 

 

[motzartmerv]

Pretty funny...although i doubt its authenticity..evry few months someone post's these same lines up but from different places..last time ot was a RAAF gripe sheet...still funny though

 

 

[Guest rocketman]

This list almost predates Qantas but it's still a good laugh. QF never had an accident? Oh, does that mean in Bangkok they went to the wrong parking gate? (Bangkok over run "incident" but they re-built the plane in the end). Neale.

 

 

[Steve L]

Thanks Nev I was kinda thinking it may have been more technical than that. I'm only about three months into my training so I have heaps to learn, this forum is proving invaluable.

 

Moz and Rocket: I pasted it in here after recieving it from a mate whos proberly as green as me on aviation so maybe I should have edited it. Anyway it is pretty funny wherever it may have originated from.

 

Steve

 

 

[Guest AusDarren]

IFF (identify friend foe) is the name that military types give to the box we call a transponder..

 

thats why its important to squawk the right code!

 

 

The terminology and the jargon gets many of us ...

 

Regards,

 

AusDarren

 

 

[Steve L]

Thanks Darren, I sort of gathered it may be a military thing after Nevs post. Unless there are air police who may chase me at 5000ft :hittinghead: lol.

 

I have heaps to learn and my brain often goes into overload, especially when I'm on late finals to land, but I'll get there.

 

steve