Pocket Tazer Stun Gun

[Friarpuk]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

 

his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

 

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

 

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

 

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were

 

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

 

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

 

I

 

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

 

Nothing!

 

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

 

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

 

arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

 

the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

 

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

 

triple-A batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

 

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

 

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

 

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

 

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

 

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

 

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

 

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

 

hand, and Tazer in another.

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

 

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

 

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

 

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

 

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

 

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

 

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

 

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

 

'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but

 

I'll do my best...?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

 

side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst

 

from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

 

to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

 

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF

 

GOD . . .

 

WEAPONS

 

OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in

 

the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over

 

again.

 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

 

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

 

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

 

and tingling in my legs?

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

 

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

 

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one

 

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

 

zap yourself!

 

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

 

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

 

considered conservative?

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

 

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

 

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

 

the fireplace.

 

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

 

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

 

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

 

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

 

of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

 

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

 

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

 

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

 

[Chucky]

That was the funniest thing I've read in ages.:big_grin::hittinghead:

 

 

[Spriteah]

You idiot....... LOL

 

 

[Guest roadk99]

i cacked me pants laughing.and fully agree with Spriteah.