avaition terms and dictionary

[Guest Macnoz]

180-degree turn: A sometimes difficult manoeuvre to perform precisely; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot’s ego.

 

Aerial: That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around pre-flight inspection that pilots do to see of anything is broken off.

 

Aileron: A hinged control surface on the wing that scares airline passengers when it moves.

 

Aerofoil:

 

1) Sword used for duelling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.

 

2) What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.

 

Air Mass: Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.

 

Aeroplane: The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio, and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.

 

Airspeed:

 

1) The speed of an aeroplane through the air

 

2) True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. (Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot)

 

Airstrip: In-flight performance by exotic flight attendant.

 

Air Traffic Control Centre: A draughty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.

 

AlternateAirport: The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.

 

Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.

 

Arctic Frost: Attitude shown by uncooperative member of cabin crew. (See also ‘Horizontally opposed’)

 

Arresting gear: Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.

 

Aspect ratio: 36-24-36

 

Bail out: Pouring the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.

 

Barrel roll: Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

 

Briefing: Spending a long time saying nothing. (See also ‘De-briefing’)

 

CASA: Committee Against Sustainable Aviation

 

Caged gyro: No more docile than a wild gyro.

 

Caging the gyro: Easier with domestic species.

 

Captain:

 

1) Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers’ Lane holding his own hand.

 

2) Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.

 

(NB – the only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who was once a captain)

 

Carburetor icing: A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of fuel.

 

Chart: Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains.

 

Chock: Pieces of wood the line boys slip in front of the wheels when the pilot isn’t looking.

 

Cockpit:

 

1) A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can’t find the airport in a rain storm.

 

2) Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he/she is.

 

Course: Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be “off-course”.

 

Crab:

 

1) A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success.

 

2) Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique.

 

3) Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site.

 

Crash: To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site. (See also ‘Suitable landing site’)

 

De-briefing: Spending a lot of time saying nothing after you have done it. (See also ‘Briefing’)

 

De-icer: De person dat puts de ice on de wings.

 

Dead reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

 

Dive: Pilots’ lounge or airport café.

 

Drag chute: Emergency escape slide near co-pilot’s window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women’s clothes.

 

Emergency generator: A device that generates emergencies. Also known as a simulator.

 

Engine failure: A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

 

Exceptional flying ability: Has equal number of take-offs and landings.

 

Final approach:

 

1) Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up.

 

2) Many a seasoned pilot’s last landing.

 

3) Many a student pilot’s first landing.

 

Flashlight: Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.

 

Flight instructor: Individual of dubious reputation, paid poor sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubts on the coordination, intelligence and ancestry of student pilots.

 

Flight plan: Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

 

Gear handle: The handle a pilot selects “down” as soon as he/she makes a gear-up landing.

 

Glide distance: Usually half the distance from an aeroplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

 

Glider: Formerly “aeroplane”, prior to running out of fuel.

 

Good landing: A landing from which you can walk away. (See also ‘Great landing’)

 

Great landing. A landing after which it is possible to reuse the aeroplane.

 

Grass strip: Often performed by exotic flight attendants while en route to Hawaii.

 

Gross weight:

 

1) A 350lbs pilot (See also ‘Split-S’)

 

2) Maximum permissible take-off weight plus two suitcases, ten cans of oil, four sleeping bags, eight cases of beer and the groceries.

 

Hangar: Home for anything that flies. Mostly birds.

 

Horizontally opposed: NO! (See also ‘Arctic frost’)

 

Hotel: How the letter ‘H’ is pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.

 

Induced drag: When a male co-pilot is persuaded by a prankster female flight attendant to put on women’s clothes against his will.

 

Jet-assisted take-off:

 

1) A rapid take-off procedure used by general aviation pilots who find themselves taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.

 

2) Take-off by pilots who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.

 

Judgement: A valued skill in aviation. Good judgement comes from someone else’s bad judgement. Learn from the mistakes of others, you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

Kilometre: A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

 

Landing light: Preferable to landing heavy.

 

Lazy eight:

 

1) Well-known fly-in resort ranch.

 

2) The airport operator, his four mechanics and three line boys.

 

Log: A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

 

Magneto: Not-very-famous Italian magician; “The Great Magneto”.

 

Mode: Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during the Great War to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

 

Motor: A word used by student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine.

 

Navigation: The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to B, while actually trying to get to point C.

 

Parasitic drag: A fellow pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

 

Pilot: A poor, misguided soul who talks about the opposite sex when they’re flying and flying when they’re with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Pitch: The story you give a wife/husband about needing an aeroplane to use in your business.

 

Prop wash:

 

1) Cleaning agent used by student pilots.

 

2) Pilot’s equivalent of “hogwash”.

 

Pylon: All aboard!

 

Radar: An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called ‘blips’, from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.

 

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all the aircraft’s fuel tanks fill with air.

 

Roger:

 

1) The most popular name in radio.

 

2) Used when you’re not sure what else to say.

 

Runway: Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act. (See also ‘Airstrip’)

 

S-turns: The course flown by a student pilot from point A to point B.

 

Slip: Apparel worn by some pilots.

 

Split S: What happens to the trousers of overweight pilots. (See also ‘Gross weight’)

 

Spoilers: The Civil Aviation Safety Authority /spouse (delete as applicable). The least likely phrase to be heard on an airfield… “Hello, I’m from the CASA and I’m here to make your life easier.”

 

Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late, without admitting that you spent the money on flying.

 

Steep bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

 

Stewardess: A pretty girl that asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can’t get it.

 

Suitable landing site: An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost. (See also ‘Arctic frost’)

 

Tactics: What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

 

Taildragger: An old pilot after a long flight.

 

Tailwind: Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

 

Terminal Area Forecast (TAF): A horoscope with numbers.

 

Trim Tab:

 

1) A device that can fly the aeroplane better than the pilot

 

2) Popular diet beverage for fat pilots.

 

Useless: Something for which a pilot has no use. Examples include: Altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser, approach planes in the car and the airspeed you don’t have.

 

Walkaround: Procedure used when waiting for better weather.

 

Wing strut: Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of training aircraft following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.