Drop Bears - A Warning from Australia

[Guest Michael Coates]

Drop Bears - A Warning from Australia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ChlamydiusFerocious – The Common Drop Bear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drop Bear Feasting on Road Kill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drop Bears - The Real Truth

 

For those of you who do not know the history of Drop Bears in Australia, I will tell it, well as much as I know as a warning to you and your family about one of our pretty and furry friends.

 

Origin

 

In the beginning, there were koalas. Cuddly, furry, slow-moving and sleepy, koalas eat gum leaves for 90% of their waking lives, but prefer to spend most of their time asleep. They live in trees, venturing down to the ground only when it is necessary to move from tree to tree.

 

Koalas are no threat to humans, unless you are foolish enough to climb up a tree and attempt to catch one, under which circumstances the koala may give you a bit of a scratch with its ample claws.

 

You will be aware that Australia is home to many species that simply don't exist anywhere else in the world. Echidnas, Wombats, Koalas, Kangaroos, Wallabies, Bandicoots and Potoroos are unique to Australia, just to name a few. Another unique and lesser mentioned animal is the Drop Bear.

 

Description

 

The Drop Bear is described as an arboreal, (tree dwelling) carnivorous mammal of Australia, growing to around 1 meter in height. “Chlamydius Ferocious” is the correct botanical name and the name Drop Bears are referred to in science books. Believed to have evolved from a similar line to Koalas, Drop Bears are basically genetically altered koalas but their brains have been affected by the Chlamydia Virus similar to what infects humans. They are covered in a dense fur, which can range from almost black to the Alpine Drop Bear's snowy white coat. They have broad shoulders and razor sharp claws on all four limbs. They are able to walk for short distances on two legs, but are much faster on all four, being capable of bursts of speed approaching 60 km/h at full gallop. Their heads are similar to those of koalas, but with enlarged canine teeth, not unlike those of bears or other carnivorous animals.

 

There are very few photographs of them, and only a select and very lucky few have laid eyes on them and lived to tell the tale. As you can imagine, admitting their existence in some areas would cause a degree of panic, and destroy parts of Australia's ecotourism industry overnight. It is for this reason that all government departments will, and have denied any knowledge of the existence of the Drop Bear, and are likely to continue to do so in the future.

 

Being an avid outdoor enthusiast, and having contact with people who spend a large proportion of their time outdoors, I have gathered together scraps of information from sources all around the country, linking Drop Bear involvement to such events as the disappearance of Azaria Chamberlain, the death of Captain James Cook in Hawaii, the disappearance of Harold Holt, several war-time incidents in Northern Australia, the disappearance of a group of cross-country skiers in the Victorian Alps, and the deaths of a number of hikers, canoeists, 4WDrivers, campers, sunbathers and swimmers throughout the country.

 

These 'accidents' are often reported as crocodile attacks, falls from cliffs, exposure, and in the Chamberlain case, dingoes were blamed. But I have it on good authority in all of these cases that a government cover-up was at work to dispel rumours of Drop Bear attacks and hide the truth from the public.

 

Dangers associated with Drop Bears

 

Drop Bears are not cuddly and friendly, like their cousin the koala. They are vicious, calculating, cold-blooded killers. Their usual method of attack is to select animals which stray from their group, including humans, dropping down onto them from above. They then proceed to wrap themselves around the body of their prey, squeezing them to death, often crushing the rib cage and breaking the neck. Occasionally when hunting, and when threatened, the Bears will drop down in front of, and then challenge their prey, snarling and flashing their sharp claws and teeth, before ripping their prey to shreds with their powerful arms and legs.

 

Of all the ways to die in the bush, this would have to be the most horrible. Arms and legs are torn from the body, along with huge slabs of flesh, which are greedily consumed while the victim still lives !

 

If seen, Drop Bears should NOT be approached, as they are easily frightened and likely to attack. Vehicles are known to have been attacked, and being in one is no defence. An adult Drop Bear is able to easily break windows and enter vehicles to extrude would-be meals.

 

Sub-species

 

The Common Drop Bear is found in wooded areas all over the Australian continent, including Tasmania, and is thought to in fact venture as far north as Papua New Guinea and Indonesia. It lives in trees, dropping down to feed on kangaroos, wombats, and anything else that walks beneath it.

 

The Burrowing Drop Bear is slightly smaller in stature than the common variety, though just as ferocious. It is known to inhabit the drier arid regions of the country, including the deserts of central Australia. It is also fairly common amongst wooded areas, and burrows have been found everywhere from beaches to desert plains. The burrows vary in size according to the individual animal, but the entry hole may be considerably smaller than the actual living space. Holes 30cm in diameter have been known to house Drop Bears 1.5 meters tall. The animal's extraordinary contorting ability means it is able to crawl through extremely small spaces in search of wombats and rabbits.

 

The Alpine Drop Bear grows a special winter coat of almost pure white for camouflage in snowy areas. They have been spotted at lower elevations when the food supply is short, but unlike Common and Burrowing varieties, are able to hibernate for sustained periods. They live in larger burrows than Burrowing Drop Bears, being less able to contort through small openings. During the summer months, they remain in their mountain environment, shedding their white coats and adopting darker furs for camouflage in the lightly treed and grassy plains of the high country.

 

The Aquatic Drop Bear, as its name suggests, feeds in and around bodies of water. Lakes, rivers, dams and the Australian coastal waters are home to this variety of Drop Bear. With webbed feet and a water-resistant coat similar to a seal, they are ideally suited to marine life; though still retain the unmistakable Drop Bear physique of four legs, broad shoulders and sharp claws and teeth. Aquatic Drop Bears have attacked canoeists, rafters, fisherman on the bank and in boats, sunbathers and swimmers. Cases such as these are often falsely reported by the media as crocodile or shark attacks, in an effort to avoid the mass hysteria which would almost definitely result from an admission that we have a Drop Bear problem.

 

Conclusion

 

I have endeavoured to provide you, the reader, with as much information as I can at this time. I have been hounded and ridiculed for sharing such information as this with the public, but I am reconciled to do my best to warn as many people as I can of this potential danger in the Australian Bush.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

[Yenn]

You missed out the Blighted Drop Bear, restricted to Queensland, mainly in the South East corner, but the last sighting was in Cairns. This breed of bear is commonly seen around construction site and likes wearing safety helmets. Very commonly witnessed in a apologetic position, but can be very dangerous especially when it thinks it has you conned. Apart from the usual means of identification it can be spotted by the size of the smile and length of leg visible beneath the skirt. With a bit of luck this species will not migrate to Canberra and may even die out after the next election