AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

[Guest ozzie]

 

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

 

 

 

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

 

 

 

I said, 'Dust.'

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

 

seconds.'

 

 

 

I bought her a scale.

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

 

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

 

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence

 

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my

 

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

 

to go home and come back later.

 

 

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

 

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

 

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

 

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

 

Social Security office.

 

 

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

 

disability, too.'

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

 

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

 

nearby table.

 

 

 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

 

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

 

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

 

hasn't been sober since.'

 

 

 

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

 

celebrating that long?'

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

 

order first.

 

 

 

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

 

 

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

 

 

 

Nah, she can order for herself."

 

 

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 

 

 

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

 

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

 

 

 

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

 

 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

 

 

 

And then the fight started.....

 

 

------------------------------------

 

 

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

 

 

 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

 

 

 

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

 

cream.

 

 

 

And then the fight started....

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

 

 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her

 

not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

 

 

 

and then the fight started.....

 

 

---------------------------------------------

 

 

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

 

 

 

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

 

 

 

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

 

'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

 

 

 

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the

 

window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and

 

to his car as fast as he could go.

 

 

 

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed

 

at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

 

 

 

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

 

 

 

And then the fight started.....

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

 

 

 

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

 

 

 

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

 

 

 

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

 

 

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

- - -

 

 

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

 

in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

 

 

 

"No," she answered.

 

 

 

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

 

 

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

 

 

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

 

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

 

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

 

take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always

 

something more important to me.

 

 

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

 

 

 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

 

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

 

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was

 

gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a

 

toothbrush.

 

 

 

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep

 

the driveway.'

 

 

 

and then the fight started...

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

[ATTACH]7128.vB[/ATTACH]

 

Sound out the label on the cereal

 

 

 

[Guest JRMobile]

A man walks into a high end lingerie store to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

 

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

 

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

 

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked -

 

return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself.

 

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says 'The bastards, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

 

and then the fight started...

 

 

[Guest Brett Campany]

My wife has no sense of humour..... I think they're GOLD!!

 

 

[skeptic36]

****

 

I rear-ended a car this morning.

 

 

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

 

 

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

 

 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

 

 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

 

 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

 

And that's how the fight started ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

GOLD, keep them coming !!..........................................................