How to survive a shark attack

[Chucky]

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN

 

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

 

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC

 

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

 

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE

 

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

 

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE

 

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

 

5. DON'T PANIC

 

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

 

 

[BLA82]

Dam I was wrong, I used to swim with a steak tied around my neck and if I saw a shark I just threw it at him. Gees that was lucky:loopy::thumb_up:

 

 

[winsor68]

Mmm...I thought this was going to be an inappropriate football joke...

 

 

[BLA82]

Mmm...I thought this was going to be an inappropriate football joke...

What like How to survive a Shark attatck, keep your hotel door closed:laugh:

 

 

[Yenn]

Whatever you do don't wear a life vest. They come in 3 sizes. S. M.and L, which sharks read as Snacks, Munchies and Lunch.

 

 

[Guest The Bushman]

The only way a shark willl get me is to swim up the plug hole

 

the bushman