Colonoscopies

[Guest thrasher]

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... .

 

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his (predominately male) patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

 

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

 

4. "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

 

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

 

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

 

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

 

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

 

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

 

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

 

And the best one of all...

 

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

 

 

[Ben Longden]

 

Ahhhhhh but here in Australia we use a light short acting sedation... so you actually snore all the way through the procedure.

 

By the way, anyone with a change in bowel habits, or a family history of cancer, or a bleed from the bum needs to go and see their doc.

 

If s/he suggests a scope - dont worry, this is the best way to do the check. Painless, no discomfort. The only downside is the prep.. and having to stay near a dunny.

 

Anyone see 60 minutes a couple of weeks ago?

 

Ben

 

 

[PaulN]

No. But been there done that heaps ... ah, such fun :confused: .

 

 

[Guest P.A.]

Heh Doc, take off your ring!

 

I don't wear a ring, that's my watch. :devil:

 

 

[Guest jimbo]

You guys are killing me.

 

 

[Ben Longden]

Junior resident doctor to surgeon....

 

"Are they the tonsils?"

 

 

 

[J170 Owner]

If you wanna get it done right go see "The Lord of the Rings".

 

 

[Kyle Communications]

I have to have a colonoscopy every 3 years and actually you dont even feel violated after you wake up...you even wake up really refreshed for some reason...the night before though is a totally different matter.....talk about a burning ring of fire......just sit on the dunny for about 3 hours until the only thing that comes out is clear liquid.....not fun at all.

 

This last time I had a endoscopy at the same session my doctor was a female I did actually ask here if she would make sure that she did the endoscopy first

 

her answer was "we dont use the same instrument Mr Kyle we do change the tube".....got to admit even though I was joking I was relieved

 

Mark

 

 

[Guest Wigg]

My daughter in Qld. tells me that they are not sedated for the colonoscopies.

 

 

[Kyle Communications]

I have had 4 colonoscopys now and each time they have put me out. But its not under a general its a valium type because you literally wake up still on the table. You dont fade in and out like when you come out of a general. I am glad they do put you to sleep it would be terrible having to feel 3 mtrs of snake twisting and turning inside you...YUK

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

The drug that is most commonly used in the cocktail of drugs is called midazalam and is a member of the benzodiazapans family (used to euthenase pets in Australia and execute criminals in America....so that answers the question as to what happens if I get too much!!!). For a colonoscopy the amount given may or maynot cause unconsciousness but in any event midazalame is an amnesiac and whether its used in quantity for sedation only, or as a general anaesthetic you wont recall much after the drug is given until its broken down and expelled from your body!!!!!

 

Now the one thing that no body has talked about is the fact that your colon is blown up with nitrogen so that the camera gets a good chance to have a look around. Nitrogen is either expelled, or absorbed (where absorbtion occurs at a rate slower than paint drying) . If you are back among the land of the living when "expelled" occurs and people happen to have score cards handily nearby you are likely to get 10/10 for length, timbre and alround OMG when you let rip. The relief you get will almost be as good as that other "first time event" that we wont talk about here....

 

They'll tell you that " a fart" will make you feel better, but thats about as understated as winning lotto will also be good.... Get down on your hand and knees, bum up and let the good times roll...you'll be glad you did!!!

 

Andy

 

 

[flying dog]

And the weirdest part is that "they" still don't know how tranquilisers work.

 

(skewz the spelling if wrong.)

 

 

[Kyle Communications]

Actually I don't really recall too much farting after them but I did wake up once in the middle of it.....this last one actually. I woke up looked at the anaesthetist then saw the Dr then looked at the monitor and saw then inside....couldnt believe how pink it was actually with sa little bit of brown liquid inside....maybe shouldn't have written that part I then looked back at the anaesthetist he was looking at me then I remember nothing until after I woke up so I take it he must have squeezed a bit more of that stuff into me...but I don't recall actually feeling anything while I was awake.

 

As I said before the colonoscopy is nothing at all...the terrible part is the night before...once thats over the rest is a breeze

 

Mark

 

 

[J170 Owner]

oh boy...

 

 

[facthunter]

They only put you to sleep so as to stop you from hearing what they are saying about you. Nev

 

 

[Ben Longden]

Its actually so you cant hear the really really bad jokes we come up with in theatre...

 

By the way, the anaesthetic agent of choice is Propofol, for what is called "twilight sedation". It has amnesic properties, so you should not remember anything of the procedure.

 

And the gas, well that is plain old air for a colonoscopy... and yes, they do try to suck out the air as they head back out, but a really good fart will usually see you moved from recovery to post surg.

 

With a gastroscopy and colonoscopy (AKA a Double Banger), we dont wipe the scope before 'changing ends'..... we use a new, and clean instrument...

 

 

[facthunter]

Glad you don't use "old plane air". Ben. If you have to be that careful, I'd better refrain from asking people to kiss my a**e too. You never know where they have been.. Nev

 

 

[Ben Longden]

ROFL!

 

Some folks ask me what the gas is. I explain its a special mix of 78%% Nitrogen, 21% Oxygen, a dash of CO2 and a few other gasses thrown in the mix.. You should see the looks I get when I say its AIR.

 

 

[J170 Owner]

Glad you don't use "old plane air". Ben. If you have to be that careful, I'd better refrain from asking people to kiss my a**e too. You never know where they have been.. Nev

Plane air or plain air, see what aviation is doing to us...

 

 

[Guest pookemon]

Reminds me of the Proctologist's joke when checking the Prostate. While performing the exam with the right hand, put the left hand on the Patients left shoulder. Then get a medical student to sneak into the room and put their right hand on the patients right shoulder...

 

 

[Suitman]

[Guest Howard Hughes]

They only put you to sleep so as to stop you from hearing what they are saying about you. Nev-

Much better than being awake whilst having a procedure on my heart, when I clearly see the doctor say "oh shi7" even though he was wearing a mask...