Medical Humor

[Guest thrasher]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?"

 

"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

 

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

 

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

 

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

 

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

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My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

 

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

 

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

 

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

 

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

 

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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

 

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

 

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

 

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A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

 

"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster

 

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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

 

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done last year. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

 

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

 

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

 

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

 

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

 

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

 

"Are you a Christian or some kind of a religious person?"

 

"No, I don't believe in anything."

 

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

 

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Susan just read an advertising email:

 

Lose 13 inches in just hour, permanently!

 

Sound too good to be true?

 

"I lost 13 inches in just one hour. I couldn't believe my eyes." Ann Marie, NY

 

With our 100% guaranty ...

 

Susan then said, "Boy, I will never live in NY and I am going to buy a big screen TV so that it will be hard for them to steal.

 

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Some Thoughts

 

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make A person gain five pounds.

 

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

 

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

 

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.

 

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

 

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Bobby was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

 

Bobby, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

 

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Bobby was working on a car. Bobby in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

 

DeBakey was very embarrassed and as he walked away, said softly to Bobby, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

 

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TO: Medical Personnel

 

FROM: Human Resource

 

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

 

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

 

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

 

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

 

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

 

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

 

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

 

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

 

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

 

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

 

Sincerely,

 

Directory of Human Resource

 

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A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

 

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"