Guest thrasher Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded, "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper! ------------------------------------------------------------------ This happened to somebody on jury duty 10-15 years ago. The people who weren't on a case had been excused to go to lunch. Well, when it was time to be back in the room waiting to be called on there were two people missing. Well the bailiff in charge was getting a little annoyed when he got a call from the police who are located in the courthouse. The police said are you missing two of your jurors, so-and-so and so-and-so2? The bailiff said yes. Then the police said, well we have them in jail up here. They were arrested for shoplifting. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a very small amount of marijuana in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag. So he grabbed someone else's bag off the carousel and went through customs. When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of cocaine in it. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A person walking down the street sees a group huddled in a corner. As he gets closer he notices one of the people in the group is someone he knows. Getting even closer, he sees the people in the group passing around a syringe, apparently sharing drugs. The person approaches his acquaintance, and says, "What are you doing? Don't you know this is dangerous? You could get AIDS!" To which is friend replies, "Don't worry about me. I'm wearing a condom." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the guys that held up the Japanese tour bus? The police apprehended them several days later, they had 500 good photographs of each robber. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I read once about a guy who held up a convenience store with a bag on his head. It was a CLEAR plastic bag. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I once saw an FBI flier of a male subject that walked into a bank, went up to a teller and said that this was a (stickup). He then opened up his jacket to show the teller his gun. He then turned and ran out of the bank because he forgot his gun!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, there's one about this crook who tries to get away from the police, in the middle of the night, and runs into the forest, but hey, whaddaya know, he's wearin 'em LA GEAR light shoes, so the police have zero problems tracking him down in the dark with his sneakers flashing red with every step. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I heard about a man who walked into a high-stakes poker game one night armed with a *single-barrel* shotgun and announced a stickup. He then fired the shotgun into the ceiling to show he meant business. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt. The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes...". Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live. The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work." ------------------------------------------------------------------ A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching. He decided to represent himself in court rather than hire a lawyer. The first question he asked the lady on the witness stand was "Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ One robbed a bank, and on his way out left a loan application. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A man is accused of robbing vending machines. He was convicted when he tried to pay his bail with quarters. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery. However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?" By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended. ------------------------------------------------------------------ This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and -- while the photographer developed the pictures -- he took off with the cash register. Leaving behind, of course, the pictures. ------------------------------------------------------------------ SUBJ: Stupid Criminals, Stupid Cops Excerpted from the NY Times: Thief tries to steal cop car, with the cop in it. Thief jumps in driver's seat, while cop #2 (the driver) is inside a deli. Cop #1 is in passenger's seat. Cop and robber start to slug it out in the front seat. Good Samaritan #1 passes by, tries to help cop #1 by leaning into driver's window and beating on robber who is still in driver's seat. Good Samaritan #2 sees the mess, runs into the deli, and alerts cop #2 -- who runs out, sees Good Samaritan #1 leaning in the window, thinks that he's the perpetrator, and starts to beat on him. ------------------------------------------------------------------ OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason. Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire his lawyer and represent himself. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the store's manager testified he was the robber. Newton accused her of lying, and accidentally said "I should have blown your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended sentence...... 30 years. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Louisiana- A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? ... Fifteen dollars.
Bigglesworth Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 A would be hijacker jumps up with a bag over his face. No eyeholes. "Hands down, this is a stuff up". Then he says "one false move and you're geography". A passenger says, "um, don't you mean history" "don't change the subject"
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