Aircraft & Machines

[Guest thrasher]

It was Susan's first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the very front section.

 

A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat."

 

"Go away and find another seat!" she replied.

 

He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane."

 

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The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.

 

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In the cockpit of a very modern airplane, there is only one pilot and a dog.

 

Everything is managed by a computer.

 

The pilot is only there to feed the dog

 

... and the dog is there to bite the pilot if he wants to touch the controls.

 

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Posted on a vending machine in this building:

 

DO NOT TIP THIS MACHINE

 

I always tip waiters, but I never tip vending machines before.

 

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Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car.

 

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If dreaming you are a muffler causes you to wake up exhausted, does dreaming that you are a wheel rim cause you to awaken still tired?

 

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How do you make a Yugo go faster?

 

With a tow-truck.

 

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The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.

 

-"Geez, are you lucky." The cyclist says.

 

-"What do you mean by lucky ?" The pedestrian angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad."

 

-"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus."

 

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There were a group of aeronautical engineers perfecting a new type of airplane. But every time they tested the plane the wings would fall off. The engineers couldn't figure out why the wings fell off every test. After many months (and lots of cost-overruns), the head engineer decided to ask his Rabbi. His co-engineers questioned him on why ask his Rabbi when it was clearly a technical problem. The head engineer replied "Since nothing else has worked, I might as well try. It is better than nothing."

 

He goes to the Rabbi and tells him the problem. The Rabbi thinks about it for a few minutes and tells the engineer to make perforations exactly on the place the wings fall off. The engineer returns to work and does what the Rabbi says. On the next test, the plane works beautifully. The engineers are astonished and run back to the Rabbi and asked him how he knew. The Rabbi replied "Have you ever seen a matzo break on the perforation??"

 

Note: matzo is a flat thin unleavened bread eaten during the Passover.

 

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When it comes to cars, it's tough to drive a bargain.

 

Car sickness is what you get from looking at the sticker price.

 

The best advice any motorist can follow is to drive right so more pedestrians will be left.

 

The only thing certain to last the life of a car are the payments.

 

Most cars have one part that desperately needs to be recalled: the nut behind the wheel.

 

This is true about all motorists: Those with patience today are not patients tomorrow.

 

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Cessna: "Control tower, Cessna 145, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

 

Tower: "Roger, Cessna 145, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

 

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

 

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This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport right over there."