planedriver

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone. 'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!' Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

[quote=Captain;63790

"What do you think gynacologistPete?"

Unable to a respond at this time, gynacologistPete has just gone for his early-morning stroll-------------------------- down the back yard to the dunny..

As usual, he's taken his plate of vegemite on toast, a mug of tea, and the morning newspaper.

After he's read it from cover to cover three times, recycleconsiousPete will tear it up in little squares and put it to another use.(thats how you can save money for a J160)

By about 10.30 he'll emerge into the fresh air amid cheers and:clap: from the red-faced:angry: family members who have been queing and dancing on the spot, waiting patiently for their turn.

To the two Air Commodes recently posted.

Not wishing to be a pain in the ass by saying this, but with a title like the Le CrappyCaptain, what other title other than Air Commode would be more fitting? We are open for suggestions.

BigPete passes wind (glider pilots), a few tips on interacting with those with fans on the front, in another section, so must surely be qualified for the same catagory:question:

Planey who takes his Metamusil regularly, thinks this must be a blast from the past:confused::confused::confused:

So the Thruster fliers organise a fly-in, with a pyjama party in the evening, and the theme is "The Village People".

StraightPete and Planey have not been invited (for obvious reasons)after all that has been said and done, but word has it that the Captain is trying on his black leather jacket ,hat, and false moustache, and has been practicing the arm movements to dancing to YMCA:laugh:.

Paley and Geoff are not too fussed about it either, so that leaves only the Thrustalot's and our crossdressing-mate to practice his steps.

Left clonk, step right, arms above the head in the shape Y. M, C, and an A etc; etc:;););)

Dear Mr Crappy Captain. :heart: Although we have not been formaly introduced, I feel that I have known you for somtime. ;) My LittleBigPete, known to some as Willy-am, tells me you can be a very naughty boy :ah_oh: at times and I feel I should come over for dinner and give you a damn good spanking. regards

 

Big? Pete? :heart::heart:

"This is your Captain speaking.

Apparently poor Petrifiedplaney has backed up against the wall and refuses to budge".

While ManyaliasesPete is just so grateful that his parents did'nt offficially name him William, for fear of being discovered. ---------------(earlier);););).

Never mind, he's a good bloke, and i won't hold it against him, providing he promises to do do the same:angry:.

Dear BigPete,

It is with great pleasure that I can inform both you, and the rest of the forum members, that whilst i'm fairly tolerant of gays, I am neither gay, nor, into Thrusters.

I'll leave that side of things to them.;););)

Yours most sincerely

Planey

Greetings to the members of the Never Ending Story.

This is BigPete's Mummy. :heart: If the Captain, :heart: Planey, :heart: Paley :heart: and other members of these forums can't play nice with my little boy (who loves his sister:question:, only in a brotherly way) then I will not let him play anymore. :ah_oh:

Sister indeed:question:

Now we can diagnose that his exageratinitus is some sort of bizzare heredity complaint. :sorry:Pete's Mum you've been sprung!

Reminds me of the skinny blonde chick down the street, who's always walking along hand in hand along with a big bird who's a black as the ace of spades, and she introduces her as her sister!!??**;):yuk::yuk:

It is now quite apparent why he gets on so well with the Riverlad girl.

If his Mum is really MrsI'llWhipYourButt, no doubt her son follows in her footsteps too, and the kinky girl likes that sort of behavior:exclamation:

The macho guys on here, are just getting a bit curious as to whether Pete owns a whip, tall black boots, G-string, and a mask:cool:, and hides them in the tail section of the J160:question:, because there's a que forming with blokes that want a lend of them:laugh:

[quote=planedriver;63196

However]https://www.recreationalflying.com/xf2/uploads/emoticons/088_censored.gif.03b4fab6f26a58d5cdf75ba85c450225.gif[/img] by the undercover moderators:thumb_up:

So here's is the report that you've all been waiting for, with all the juicy details of what he got up to!

so:sorry:thumb_downthumb_downthumb_down:censored:

Kind Regards

Planey

Self-appointed undercover moderator with elevated responsibilites like Captainpegleg.

After considerable merry making, I agree, said the Riverland beauty, and I was rubberless too" thought Pete.

Having sown a few wild oats last night, fallingdownincestuousPete has taken time out from the forums to go to church, to pray for a crop-failure.

 

However, he should return later today with a full report of last nights shenanikins, provided it is not by the undercover moderators:thumb_up:

So heartlessbastardamputeehaterPete has shown his true colours. I have the meloncholy duty to report to the thousands of NES readers that not only has cold&calousPete rejected the pegleg Crappee's request for assistance, but rubyournoseinitPete has knocked off the little rubber thingy that was on the end of my peg-leg.

:wave:Captain this is really sad !

PsycologistPete was actually conducting a character test on you, and you did'nt even realise it.:confused:

The test was to find out whether:

(1) you'd take it in good spirit and simply replace it at a cost of 60 cents.

(2) you'd whinge like buggery on the NES to try and get a bit of sympathy, so Ian starts a "thingy fund" for forum members to make donations.

(3) you cut a bit of rubber off Pete's nosewheel tyre at the next fly-in, say nothing, and quietly super-glue on the end of your stump while nobody is looking.

(4) Leave it as it is, to give all your mates a good laugh:laugh: YES PLEASE.

Sadly, you did not get a very good score, but to help you out, i'll donate 2cents:thumb_up:, if we can find another 29 members to put you out of your misery.

Kind commiserations

Planey

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair."

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. "

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well ..... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

Now it's stopped raining and the sposed2b retired Planey heads off to fix someones automatic security gates, he departs for a while wondering why zercrappyi'lldeliberatelymisleaduCaptain has not copped (to coin a phrase) a few comments from our mate Paley who normally keeps "obbo" on these sorts of things:question:

"Breaka-Breaka Paley, you gotta copy" 10/9.

Don't go away, there's more:big_grin:

While the man of the moment, takes a break for a honey and banana with sugar- coated strawberries sambo to get his sugar CHT right:thumb_up:,Planey has been doing a bit of serious thinking:loopy:.

Where did the name crappycaptain come from:question:

Is it the fault of missing "Polly" who is usually fed cheap imported vindaloo bird seed from India:question:

The answer is NO!

At the last Nohopetown fly-in, the Capitin was looking skyward when a flock of birds flew over, and he copped one in the eye.:yuk::yuk::yuk:

The always HelpfullPete:big_grin: asked whether he'd like a toilet tissue, but the Capitin snapped back "don't be stupid, whats the point:question:,the bird will be miles away by now"

So there you have it, the facts once again from TriviachampPlaindrivel:thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up:with another 5 bobs worth of smileys to stir up the tightbutundercovercaptain:pig:

Two posts in a day from le crappycaptain, must mean that he's come out of the closet again:thumb_up:,or,got a day at home waiting for the pest control man to arrive to do a routine termite treatment on his wooden leg:question:

Unlike Douglas Bader who flew spitfires with artificial legs, CaptainPegleg announces his arrival at the flying club, as he marches in with a left-clonk, left-clonk, while everyone pretends not to notice:cool:.

The club commitee have insisted that he now has to wear his black-patch over one eye, so members and visitors know what type of captain he really is.:black_eye:

The big question is-------------

Has the CaptainI'llfoolyouPegleg managed to con Ian into being an undercover:cool: adminis traiter (see post445)

Poor Planey (the trusting soul that he is) is still in a state of shock, and feeling that he's been well and truely "conned".

All this time he's been under the impression that Captain was a four striper used to flying big birds (not only the Riverland Girl) to far-away exotic places.

Then the crunch comes, and the facts emerge.

It turns out, if read correctly? that he was only a Jim lad, walk-the-plank type Captain in charge of a fleet of peddle boats on the River Thames.

I can just visualise "peg leg" standing there,wearing his old seamans cap he bought for a shilling at the church jumble sale, bellowing through his tin megaphone, "Come in number 5, your time is up".

The poor hirers who' only gone about 50yds anyway, had sweat pouring off themselves, as they peddled furiously through the muddy waters, full of driftwood, plastic bottles and dead dogs.

"If your not back in port in 2 minutes, i'll use my elevated authority and ban you from hiring again for 2 weeks".:hittinghead: cried Crappy.

Meanwhile, GrapeyGeoff from Mildura, is fitting an on-board still to his J160, converting it to run on pure alcohol, which he can extract from some of last years semmilion blanc that did'nt sell.

With just a few cases, Grapey will be able to get enough fuel to get to the next Chewka fly-in, and if it's a hot day, will be able to lay in the shade under the fuel drain and get himself blind with some of the reserve.

Thats what you call innovation, just like BigPetes Godfreysucknblow powerplant.

Many a true word spoken in jest!

Someone very knowledgeable once said to me, that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth and consequently, should do twice as much listening, as we do talking, to stay out of trouble.

I think that might have been wise information;)

Correction to add -you need to improve your spelling it's proposition.

I'm with BigPete, the DC3 flight is a great idea.

My sweetheat treated us to a champagne flight over Sydney just on dusk, a few years ago, and it was a fantastic evening.:thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up:

There was a young couple on the flight where the guy had also planned to pop the question.

The girl was over the moon, and announced that she'd just said "yes" to his marriage proposal:hug:.

This was followed by cheers and clapping from fellow passengers, and another glass of champagne all round.

A great idea and very romantic:heart:. Go for it! "Good Luck"

You might like to check out these sites

www.dc3.com.au

www.travelcentre.com.au/travel/airshows/DC3/DC3_flights_echuca.htm

www.onedge.com.au/dc3-flights

www.onedge.com.au/adventures/home.php?cat=541

Regards

Alan

So Planedrivel ? (how insulting) stirred the pot a little, and brought the Captain back to life:clap::heart:, but was he grateul?

NO!

The poor Captain was so incensed :angry:at the doubts about him being the Real Captain, that it's reported that he has been protesting outside the local Flight Centre shop.

Complete with his sandwich board and banners, was seen collecting signatures from those folk that believe he is possibly the real one.

"Sign my pettition and you can win a brochure on discounted flights, but wait there's more. It also include a priceless picture of me in uniform at the top of the page, and for a gold coin donation i'll personally autograph it for you"

I'll even cut my picture off one, and paste in the next NES post for the budding pilots photo competition just to show those doubting buggers that i'm real.

At the end of the day, with sweat still trickling down his back from standing in the sun, he got three signatures and made 6 bucks.

Now with all this money, I should be able to buy a raffle ticket in BigPetes flying club swindle, and win myself a box of re-donated chocolates.

LittlePete might be a lot better looking, but my hat is a more impressive shape, and looks the part:cool:, he thought.

Meanwhile Crappy gets a severe case of the sierra hotel india tango sierra's, and flexes his muscles:

Quote:SO GET BACK TO (NES) BUSINESS OF OR I'LL USE MY LATEST ELEVATED ROLE ON THIS FORUM TO HAVE YOU ALL SUSPENDED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

Paley found this threat:angry:, quite an arresting statement:help:, but Ben probably had'nt even noticed, as he was too busy playing with his new toy.:thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up:

Planey said he did'nt give taxidermist job, providing he's banned while away on holiday:big_grin:

For those interested in Starchy's problem, his solicitor issued a brief statement late today, claiming that as it was only a "touch and go" situation, he would not be fully charged;)

However, as the overheated exhaust fan came from an old take away shop, the smell of fries spread across the countryside could be considered by the hungry as pollution, and needing ongoing fees, this matter still had to be addressed.

LittlePete would have loved the experience, and its obvious what he'd like to do in the future.

A great photo to include in a future resume.

Nothing like getting your foot in the door early.;););)

Just think, you can look forward the day when we have a real Captain on here, one who dose'nt give you a hard time:question:, but you may find that a bit boring.

Then what would you do to have an ammusing stir?

I can't wait to hear the suggestions.......................................

Lots of clocks and gizmo's in that one to learn about, What a/c was it? (not the new Jabbiscrew GT I assume)

Regards

Alan

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. :thumb_up:

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. :big_grin::big_grin:

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we:question:'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

Dave and Wally were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Wally says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Wally.

Wally says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Wally says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.:hittinghead:

What do you call an archer with one eye?

Bo Peep