planedriver

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base walked in and said to the shopkeeper,

"I'd like a line service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.

He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.

Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft,

conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes.

He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a Monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag.

"That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.

A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". "Holy crap!

What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, have his way with the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

Not only Jets, I've had the same happen to me when I was in the aircraft and one of those damn powerfull Drifters taxiing in front of me applied full power.:cops:Alan.

If it was, I missed the write-up and great photo's.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,

and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's either dead now, or a superhuman……….you decide.

Just don't tell the grandkids

Sad video of what can happen if you do not use tie-downs in windy weather.

http://www.wimp.com/parkedaircraft/

An angry wife said to her husband on the phone:

“Where the hell are you?!!”

Husband:

“Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time, and said Baby it'll be yours one day?”

Wife, with a smile blushing:

“Yeah I remember that, my Love.”

Husband:

“I'm in the Pub next to that shop.”

I have heard about this dead-set georgeous young hooker, who only charges by the inch.Unfortunately I cannot afford her, but thought that i'd be kind to many on here that deserve a cheap night out.

WARNING!

There's also a fee for touch and go's

I have heard about this dead-set georgeous young hooker, who only charges by the inch.

Unfortunately I cannot afford her, but thought that i'd be kind to many on here that deserve a cheap night out.

Bet he gets wired later on....

I thought most parking tickets where produced by underpaid council workers ?

No wonder they have to walk around in pairs, or simply snap away from the security offered by the Council ute's:peepwall:

Hi Planey, David got back to me overnight he is evidently going to put a link on his site so that we can get it there and pay by Paypal, will see if he can do us a deal on freight and we can get some sent out, he did say he would email me back with details so will keep everybody posted when i know more as well. Eric

Dave Sykes who bravely flew his Microlight from the UK to Australia has released a book of his journey aptly called A Wing And A Chair, Solo Flight to Oz. look for it it promises to be a great read...

Looks like a must-have book, having had the pleasure to meet him at Bankstown.

Have Googled it, but can't find the publisher.

If anyone knows where to order a copy, probably others on here also, would like to know.

Kind Regards

Planey

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department

for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his

employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to

interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he

has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board

and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works an 18 hour day, does 90% of the work,

earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special

treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"

No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -

Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.

quote="pudestcon, post: 185992, member: 237"]Planey's mate!!!?? Jeezus, didn't know he had one:wink:

Welcome Greg, we have fun here.

Pud

Now Now Pud, Me mates edumicated, even if I aint:cops:

Anyway, thats another one on the forums from the UK and I welcome him as he's a top bloke, and it all helps the site go global.

Kind Regards.

Planey

Hi, I'm Planey's mate. He recommends this site to me because we have shared a common interest in aircraft and flight.

Thanks for the reply Paul.

No, definately not Padstow Cornwall, though I was once engaged to a beauty who was awarded the title of "Miss Looe" in beauty pagents three yrs running. Possibly an award of convenience, to coin a phrase.

Presumeably you have to be careful not to stray into airspace around St Maugan unannounced, which now seems to have jet and turbo-prop passenger services.

Last time I was there, they had BAC Lightnings operating from the field, which were sent up to do live target shooting off the coast. Now i'm showing my age.

So for someone that wants to have a go at RC (battery) without investing heaps, initially - what's the best type of unit to start with??

Large size prefererred.

Welcome to the forums Paul,

I hail from Wimbledon and even used to play a bit of tennis there.

It was mainly in the local park as a kid, but it still counts.

Have flown into Guernsey a few times fom Shoreham and Biggin Hill but that seems a lifetime ago, and probably is.

Encourage some of your fellow aviator mates to get on this site as they'll have a lot of fun and can learn a lot.

Wot's more they won't even be sent a bill. How goods that!

Keep your posts coming, even if it's only to whinge about the weather. Then I can phone my Mun and tell her when to take her washing off the line.

Cheers for now.

Planey

Well I believe I was even smarter....I was married with three children when my wife took a job at the Guernsey Airport ( I built our house next to the airport ) as a cleaner so that I could learn to fly.I was of course working full time plus a part time job driving taxis in the evening to support the family, but her entire income she dedicated to my flying and has continued through our married life and

contributed to the various aircraft we have owned. Even though we are now on pensions, she still saves up to buy me things which are aviation related, headset, Plb etc. etc.

 

Very happily married Alan..

Kind Regards

Alan

Errr, You're not married, are you Tomo ? <<thought not>>

He's still got a few bob in his pockets.

Wish I had been as smart as you Tomo

For all who asked I passed my flight test Last Thursday and now just to do a couple more hours for my first pax

Well done, another milestone of many along the way.

Kind regards

Planey

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry,” said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing,” said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're b**tards?"

"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who

was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on

his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my

stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh

fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that

does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that

woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor

in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana

peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever I think I'll try that

at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a

younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once

did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger

doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your

diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I

bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.':peepwall: