Captain
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Everything posted by Captain
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.... was still having trouble grappling with his time spent as the 1st Mate of the Manawanui, when the entire NZ Navy had run aground in Samoa, and they didn't have enough fuel in NZ, nor a serviceable aircraft, to send to rescue them. So, the entire crew, including I'm Bob and the DEI Captain, had gone feral on Upolu for a few weeks in a fair dinkum version of the Turbine Media's productions of Survivor or I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here. I'm Bob had escaped after only being taken advantage of a few times, and he was ......
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..... so, once a safe landing site could be found, aligned with the breeze & with sufficient length but with no earth return wires, they set down (avref) and as all ANZACs do, the Kiwi's bitched about Trevor Chappel's underarm bowling effort, and the Aussie's made jokes about good looking sheep and NZ's horse faced PM. But when one Aussie went too far and said "Richard Hadley is a shirt lifter", the Kiwis .....
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..... which had a slight Queensland tinge to his accent, yet was from northern NSW, which was evident when he mentioned the words Bebo and Dthinna Dthinawan, plus his accent also sounded a little like that of Andy from Coughs, as Coffs Harbour is only about 300 kms SE and there must surely have been some interbreeding between those 2 villages at some stage. (Coffs is rather cruelly sometimes described as "God's Waiting Room" and is well known for late night interbreeding between many of the senior citizens [well ..... not so much "interbreeding", but more like a dry run]). "Should we invite him into the formation or have the CT shoot him down" asked bull (but without using the capitals). The Tixan heard the discussion and .......
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.... bull replied "Nose schmoze, that will stitch up into a nice rugged looking scar, and he started to really get the irrits with our ANZAC cousins and their poncy little hakka dance with its imaginary throat cutting. What the Kiwis have never really understood about Tasmanians is that they have a fair bit of fiery French, Dutch, German, Pommy and Native blood (Eg Felix D'Entrecasteaux, Van Demon, Fritz Bruny and Sir Charles Hobart, plus a brave little native bloke named Eaglehawk Neck, had all dallied with the hot native ladies ..... not to mention Chopper Reid infusing Tazzy with toe-cutter blood in his later years). It is also worth noting that it was Van Demon who originally owned Tasmania and named the Land after himself, and who also gave his Christian name to his designs of several kit aircraft at the manufacturer which commenced operations in Strahan before they quickly outgrew that location and relocated to Aurora in Oregon. It is this combination of fiery blood which pulses through bull's veins, even though he came from Bone, so the Knew Zullanders (who by this time had moved on to touching each other intimately during a progressive barn dance and the Hoki Poki) were in deep doo-doo as bull circled (avref) around to ......
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.... took his eyes off the leader and initiated a clockwise Stipplemann roll, which, with the spectacular roll rate and torque effect of the Jackoff, had him back in position before anyone knew he was gone. When watched in slo-mo as recorded from the ground, during the formation's debrief, this caused ....
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.... considered punitive action against Andy from Coffs, but then realized from Andy's terrible radio voice that Andy had spent many years overdoing the durrys, and it was actually Andy from Coughs. OT is nothing (but we don't tell him that) but magnanimous, so he just called bull and Andy Coughs & Splutters on their personal frequency and said "Now chaps, don't be di.......
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..... they were actually able to hold "level" at + or - 300 ft, so a great effort by all concerned. But that is when Andy from Coffs started to request a change of position and offered bull a monetary benefit to change sides. As usual, bull took the cash, and he, with Andy agreed to both barrel roll into their new positions. OEHOR was concerned, if not apoplectic, and wanted to .....
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..... replied using his best Wing Commander voice "Go where the hole is in the XXXXen formation, it's not rocket surgery, mate". Then OT, ever the professional, remembered that bull can burr up (or not supply free prawns) on officious a.holes, so he quickly added "But at your own leisure and pace, bull, old mate". bull cranked the jackoff into a 6g turn and came into his formation position from the other side while buzzing all the other aircraft, then stopped on a Zac via judicious use of his air brakes and called OT "Wingman has your six, OEHOR, so let's ....
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.... , ahhhhh, jim lad (ot's real name is james), this is bull the pirate pilot and I'm ready, willing and able to partake of formation flying as one of the essential jackoffs" replied bull on the ctaf frequency (while capital letter challenged, bull can be a little verbose at times, which is one of the reasons that the coffee lady at the hospital gave him the flick ["just do it" she would say, but he'd always want to discuss it is detail & at length]). OT is a patient soul, so he throttled back and held the formation straight and level to give bull time to climb into position (OT was at 2,500 ft agl so it should have only taken less than a minute for bull & his jackoff to reach that level after takeoff). Onesie waited & waited, and .....
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.... as well as being a Churchillian sycophant, bull also admired Bill Clinton ("my aim is to be just like him ..... except for Hillary)" said bull as he fingered his cigar and dreamt of climbing up (avref) back into the box, and he .....
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..... the massive applause of the Grong Grong footy club, who were there en-masse because they had been told of bull's 15 AFL premierships, when he also won mam-of-the-match in all of those games. That was all garbage but Turbine Promotion thought it worth the risk of exposure, just to get the crouds in through the gate of the Grongy Aerobats Klub. bull looks like Tony Locket, many of them thought, and he ....
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..... declared Turbo as the leader of the golden age of aerobatic competition. Tubb received 15 year sponsorship deals from Red bull, Monster Energy drinks, bull's prawns & seaweed, the WA lack of progress association, the Queensland Chip on Shoulder alliance (all the stickers pulled 10 knots off the aircraft) and .....
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..... Cappy the ABB (Aerobatic Black Belt) gave Turbo the ABS (Aerobatic Black Sheep) some cunning tips about how to stick it into the box and then how to keep it in the box for more than his usual 3 minutes (he uses a sand based egg timer originally given to him by OT [in order to get rid of some of the sand from WA]) ...... but he didn't have enough grunt and it just kept slipping out. The Moth Minor simply needed more grunt and Turdy needed to resort to ......
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..... were so keen to win the World Aerobatic Championship, particularly the Chinese, the Samoans, the Afghans and the Palestinians, that they had their knees broken and a double joint surgically inserted. However, for those competitors, walking to and from the aircraft now looked more like the poliex of those kids at school who had double jointed thumbs (and Steven Hawking could beat them in a race), or .....
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..... keep their legs behind their ears for long enough. But Poko had plenty of experience at that, so the Schafenstaker was a doddle forher, but the .....
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..... land TWF (tail wheel first) and hold the main gear off the deck for 500 yards while keeping her feet off the rudder peddles (as evidenced by Poco's feet being visible to the crowd, up behind her ears). That became her signature maneuver and the one about which she was most proud, so it became know in aerobatics circles as the ..... PS - For those NESers who are non aerobat, the Schafenstaker Skid is world champion stuff, therefore banned in lesser competitions, as the skid often results in skid marks, and not just on the runway.
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.... a Schimmelberger wing-over that always results in a need for a little correction, which can .....
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.... she had to fly a knife edge approach, then cock it ....
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..... work out where his stibula was (or, having previously been shot close to his a.hole, could he this time have been shot in the ear.hole where, in vertebrates is a sensory system known as the Vestibula, that creates a sense of balance & spacial orientation for the purpose of coordinating movement with balance?). While considering the above quandary he realised that as well as being a princess, Poka was also a baker and it should have read that she crust him off, as we all know that to have "cust" is the past tense of to "cuss", and as things were very tense at the time, Poca knew that .....
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.... a partly naked Pocahontas (who Cappy always knew, respectfully [even though she had them out], as Princess Algoquina) was still .....
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.... in the offending projection. This has been happening for a while since they were stretched when he was captured for a few days up the Khyber and was hung by them, upside do, in order to get him to spill the beans on where Turbo was located (Turbs was the HVT (high value target) that the enemy were really after, but Cappy bravely stayed schtumm until he cut himself down [he was sick of waiting for Turbo to rescue him] and escaped to stagger back behind his own lines. Turbo has never heard this story before as they were and are mates, so Cappy didn't want to embarrass him, plus it wasn't long after this that Cappy shot Turbo right adjacent to his bullseye (accidentally of course), and ......
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...... drowned out the terrible backlash, clutch and gear-wear noise coming from the Rotax gearbox, but the squeals got worse when during an attempt to tuck them back in, Cappy .....
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.... is why, in the true Scott's tradition, Cappy does all his flying without wearing undies. He doesn't have a kilt, mind you, but he does wear tightish stubbies, to accompany his dark blue truckie's singlets, so occasionally a couple of things slip out of the stubbies and into the breeze, where .... Cappy is also well known for walking 500 miles, and then 500 more.
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.... in their PPT so everything must be OK and super safe. "I love the smell of redeye underarms in the morning" said Jazzy courageously, as the pegs came out and everyone was issued a can of Mountain Mist dunny spray (it's like bear spray for West Aussies), after they have .....
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.... ogle, as their stood on the top of a nearby hill in order to get some internet so that they could do an AI search of the name Petronella, in order to determine her ethnic background and to learn what she likes for ....
