Captain
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Everything posted by Captain
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... when she wanted to put Turbo's pride and joy into the bread slicer. Turbo bucked at that, but the bread slicer, whose name was Meg, had other .....
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.... Turbo was awarded a tall white hat and a golden staff (no, not the infection) with which to smite his enemies. This, and the fact that .....
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.... some wag Turbine Team member also named it Holy Water, which was marketed as a package with an incense burner, and sales went even ...
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..... also some pushback from Aldi, who had bought 6 billion Chinese corostami bags but all turned out to be factory seconds from 1950 and leaked immediately when the attachment tube split + broke off on 1st use. This meant that the fad had a .....
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..... massively popular L6 Fashion Parade at Myers, where Elle, Christi, Jerry, Noami and Deryn Hinch all participated and hitched up their blouses to flash their .....
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.... "sound reasoning there bull. Based on that I think I'll get one even if I don't need one, and I'll get another one fitted as a spare, just in case." When the general population found out what work Turdbro was having done, they all wanted one too. The result was a dire shortage of colostomy bags, so they had to use a .......
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..... said to the Doc "Can you also take some off my bum as well this time ..... and don't worry, I'll get the Turgidplonker back in here and up on the table, quick stix, for you to do your nip and tuck". "He'll need more than just a nip & tuck, Cappy old mate. He's a mess and has got some serios issues, but tell me, he appears to also have an old bullet wound where the sun doesn't shine. What should I do with that" replied the Doc. "That was me, mate, up the Khyber, and I plugged him close to his bullseye. I may have had a few gins when that happened, but it was a Swan Lager-soaked OT, this time, that made the mess around his tail and given that I've had a good squizz, I can no longer see how Tubb can go to the dunny unless he .....
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.... "Yes mate" replied OT "But I had to bite the last bits off like me and David Niven used to do to de-nut young rams." Turbo looked down to double check that his "young ram bits" were still there and breathed a sigh of relief, but when he looked at where his tail used to be he saw that the final job showed OT's tooth marks, including the missing ones in the front, so that Turbo's extremity where his tail used to be looked like a frill necked lizard that had been hit by a B-triple. "Geez, OT that's worse than before, and now I ......
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..... casually interested, for Cappy needed something to mask his natural musk, which has proven irresistible to the ladies over his many years, so he changed the name then patented and registered "Muff Musk Mask" which should do the trick, if he could just learn to say that 3 times in succession. But just as Cappy was curing his own oversupply of ladies issues, Turbo's time in the tub saw him converting into a half goanna/half bloke, so Cappy snapped the below photo to document the fact, and for subsequent use by the local Aboriginal group when they raised him up into the Dreaming, where the Goanna/Turbo, soon known just as The Garbo, were elevated to compete for national attention with the Rainbow Serpent. This resulted in Turbo appearing as The Garbo to huge applause, and gigantic appearance fees (excluding the essential kickbacks to the Local Land Council), at every Welcome To Cuntry throughout WA, and at ...... This is the actual photo that Cappy snapped. Turbo has always looked a bit suss, but as per his new appearance, as below, you can understand why he has now become such a gay icon, alongside Zena the Warrior Princess
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..... a period of isotropic cooling (hence why the final product is so expensive), after which you can skim off the green mucasean crust and then ......
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..... then .....
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.... need to roll the goanna up like an empty tube of toothpaste. Keep rolling, and it's the final 100 gms of goop that comes out of its nose that contains the magical liniment. Collect that in your panican and .....
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.... also sell a percentage to the Red Cross and to Amnesty International so that minor/new terrorist bands can be supported surreptitiously, as opposed to the major terrorists that are supported directly by the UN's own bleeding heart subsidiaries. But back to the 2 Russians meeting up in the West Aussie desert, where Гарольд said to Ed "I'm in favor of this lack of snow and ice, as you can stick Siberia where the sun doesn't shine (for half the year), but Geez Louiseski tavarishch, this red sand really gives me the .....
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.... use in multi coloured rainbow burkas (with poly mesh in the letterbox slot), which he then sells on to .....
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.... those Armano suits are a knockoff of the prized Italian Armani suits, and are supplied by a bloke named Hop Lee who has them made in Nth Korea and shipped into Moorabbin via .....
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.... Turbo was immediately elevated to the Legend status that he deserved. After all, winning at Bunbury was the pinnacle, and the most prestigious thing that a driver could ever achieve, worldwide. Since that win, Turbo has had to knock back friend requests from Al Unser, Mario Andretti, Jim Clark, Enzo Ferrari, Fangio and Fred Offenhauser, who offered to rename his engine as the Turbohauser, in Tubb's honour. Turbo is a great driver and a very humble man, exactly similar in make-up to Valentino Rossi, but Turbo doesn't always wear make-up as much as he used to, so he often looks pretty plain in his .....
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... the WA Drop Possums are getting 10% bigger & more vicious each year, plus are much more dangerous than an 8ft goanna as they aren't scaredy cats like the Goannas, where these relatively gutless lizards run around to the other side of trees. The Drop Possums just hiss, bare their 2 inch fangs and attack without hesitation. Their tactics are to render any human unconscious from the force of the initial drop and the males will then bite & rip their victim on the throat, whereas the females will finish the victim off by strangling them with their prehensile tail. To further demonstrate what Onesie reported from his own terrifying experience, even 15 ft Saltys do an involuntary # 2s if they see a drop possum in the trees over their slide. The drop possums also completely ...... This Salty was one of the 1st to be killed, just by the initial drop, of a male Drop Possum. Easterners wouldn't believe it and the Drop Possum casualty rate amongst uncareful tourists is now many hundreds more than those taken by crocs. How lucky was OT to survive his encounter?
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.... cuddly bare bums so accurately described by OT and Turdo, so Cappy was unconcerned, and it just reminded him, fondly, of the after-party at the Wagga CWA AGM. However, when Crappy walked over to the bare bums he soon realised that they were interspersed with 6 - 8 ft goannas that were facing in the opposite direction to the koalas and their fangs were ready to ......
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....., his trigger finger twitched on his double trigger Baikal, and he played the theme from Dr Zhivago in the background, as his pet bear sat at his feet. Ed, whose real name was Eduard, had escaped Russia (what would be the odds, eh?) after Vlad had sent the Uranium Tipped Umbrella Gang after him (known throughout Russian black comedy circles as the You-TUG boys) and he'd been happy hiding out in outback western OZ, except that he'd had to dump his pet black bear with its nose ring, and substitute a koala. Ed recognized the peculiar .....
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..... widen the search using manned ultra ultra ultra ultralight drones. Meanwhile Гарольд had been left for dead beside the track and had only survived because of the ex US special forces Afghan left-behind bulletproof vest that he had bought at the Pakistani black market in Leonora. "Thank goodness that Glock was only a 9 mm and not a 10," he said as he brushed off the .....
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..... who was actually a Russian sergeant that went AWOL while fighting in Afghanistan, grew a beard and didn't wash himself or his undies for 12 months, so he qualified to come to OZ as a Govt sponsored refugee on a student visa. "What did you study when you got here?" asked Capt Andriy. "The gullibility of western societies in the Sth Pacific" replied the camel driver. "But what made you come all the way over here to a sh!thole like this?" asked Andriy. "Well, outback WA is a lot like Afghanistan was in the old feudal days before it became more advanced under the Taliban, so I've been looking for gold, and based on my genius genealogical research, Harold Lasseter was actually a Russian named Гарольд Lasseterski (ref Wikipedia), so I'm .....
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.... OT, because in WA everything dries out like they did in Egypt and once covered in sand the skin is preserved just like new. Therefore this needs no tanning and no stretching over frames ahead of application onto the Drifter ot Foxbat. So Foxbat downgraded their operations from the middle of the Ukraine war zone to the even worse conditions 10 kms west of Southern Cross, and sent teams of grave robbers out into the .....
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.... grave robbing became the next option, as suggested by ....
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..... some discipline into the Fox and Bunny populations around DG. But then the issue of the coverings for Foxbats (the Ultralight, not the Mikoyan-Gurevich MIG 25 variant) were raised by Cappy, as given the protected status of Chiroptera there is a shortage of bat skin for use on the empennages. Foxes were of little bit of a worry for a while as Ukraine was full of them, but after the Russians started eating them and stuffing their pelts with cluster munitions (some even pre-eating), they (the foxes, not the Russians) all buggered off en-masse into Poland and the poles have been harvesting pelts and selling them back to Aeroprakt at considerable profit. However, the bat killing has fueled an underground black market that has the Mexican Drug Cartels getting involved to supply to the shortage (for a while 6 square inches of bat skin was more expensive than a pound of cocaine or fentanyl). Therefore, Flying Foxes, the etymological crossover point between foxes and bats, provided the ideal opportunity for Turbine Pteropus Alecto Pty Ltd to convert 20% of their cat farms, and turn them upside down, in order to house & harvest the pelts from these smelly little ......
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..... beauty" said Turbo, referring to OT's .....
